Dear Zoe (On the Night Before You're One)

Sweet Zoe girl....how can we be at this moment, how can I be sitting down to write this today??  That precious, painful, beautiful night of bringing you into this world does not seems like a year ago.  I still remember every little detail of that life changing day.  It was actually at this exact time that I was checking in the hospital, unknowingly at 7cm, but in crazy pain waiting for somebody to come to the desk.  What an incredible night.  We have been through so much together since you came into this world.  It has not been easy by any means...but you my sweet girl are an amazing blessing to this family.  This past 12 months have seemingly flown by now that I'm in this moment...but in many ways it's been quite a long and hard year.  It's surreal that the joy of meeting you has been in the same year as the pain of losing our dear friend.  This will always be a time in your life that I will use to teach you about trusting the Lord and clinging to his strength. There have been intense and painful moments...but completely and overwhelmingly joy-filled ones as well.  You my sweet daughter, are my precious Zoe Joy.  I will never pretend like our first year together was always peaches and rainbows because one day when, prayerfully, you're a mommy who adores her babies, you will be more encouraged by the truth than anything I could say to pretend it away.

As I sit here and reflect on all the days that brought us here, I remember few of them without a million snuggles a day with you.  That is one thing I treasure about you...you love love.  From the moment you were born - literally - you wanted to be close to your mama.  You wanted to feel me, touch me, know I was right there.  And you are still that way.  It most certainly took me awhile to learn how to live without very long stretches of time of being able to use two hands. ;)  You have occupied my arms during your little life more than you have not, I'm almost certain.  And oh how you loathe sleep and recently I've made some desperate pleas to the Lord for help.  But I have always known the tough part of this training for you comes from how much you just really don't want to be alone in this life.  And baby girl, that is okay.  It is really important that you start sleeping a lot more soon ;), but I don't ever want you to believe the lie that needing others is a bad thing.  It's wonderful to know how precious and important relationships are.  God has given us such an amazing gift to have each other to love, and you have such a gift of pouring it out and being so open to receiving it.

The honest truth is that you have been amazing through so many changes and experiences you've had in your first year of life.  You learned to travel well and relax in the car, even though it took months.  You've always been so good at being my baby, and it seems weird that now your entering into toddler hood.  I am still amazed we survived through the moving and all the traveling and adjusting - it's crazy when I think back.  But we figured it out.  I hope you'll be gracious to forgive how the fatigue has affected my memory so much more fully this time around.  But even if I don't have each sweet detail perfectly documented, always know baby girl that I am present with you and your sister every day.  And even on the hard, exhausted, not so pretty days, there are always a million moments that I stand back and stare at you two in complete fascination.  I LOVE talking to you in my mama voice and just getting that big Zoe grin in return.  And the way you open those hands wide and reach out for me is the sweetest.  It's almost so amazing and surreal that I can't emotionally comprehend it a lot of the time.  I pray some day you will be blessed with little ones of your own and know just what I mean.

Some things we've grown to know and love about you....you are a mover and a shaker.  Just like in the womb.  That part does not surprise me at all.  You amaze me with how you move even while your nursing.  It's actually kind of hilarious.  And while you have always, always loved sitting on a lap and listening to books being read, most other times you are wiggly and busy.  You do love being worn in the carrier and you ADORE being in the stroller and walking.  It's the sweetest contentment.  You are curious and determined, you have sort of rushed through the stages and I just go with it, even though I certainly don't encourage it. ;) You hardly did any baby food at all, and are a champ at eating.  That's what's sweet about you...as much as you do not want to be alone or too far from somebody else, you are the most flexible little gal.  You really do go with the flow and honestly just want to have a good time.

Which leads me to what everyone has noticed first about you since the moment you were born...

you are CUTE.  So stinking cute.  A lot of times I write a little update blog post in my head and I always want to start with, "She's so cute I can't stand it."  Seriously baby girl, you smile with your whole face.  You lean your head back and giggle your little heart out.  You are the easiest person to photograph because you've always looked right at me and smiled.  You love when someone looks at you, notices you, loves on you....and you always reward with the biggest, toothiest, happiest smile.  You have a sweet, curious, playful little heart, and I'm so glad you are mine.

There is no way I could write about you without talking about your very best friend...your sister Selah. It brings me the greatest joy ever to see the way you two love each other.  It's amazing and fascinating and I am so beyond thankful that you have one another.  Every morning you are both so eager to see each other.  Selah still calls you "Yo-ee,"  but I can tell she's about to transition out of that.  For the first 6 months at least it was "Baby."  It's all been so cute I don't rush any of it away.  No one makes you smile like she does, and you want to participate in whatever she is doing.  She absolutely adores you Zoe, don't ever forget that.  Even now when you are really starting to let your own personality and preferences shine, and you two get in some little squabbles, I still see you are for each other and your friendship is deep.  I pray that is always true, even as the squabbles potentially get a little more intense throughout life.  You are best friends and God has blessed you deeply by giving you to one another.  Selah has always looked out for you and wanted what's best for you since the day you joined our family.  She is always telling mama what baby sister needs. :)

And now the night before your very first birthday.  It's crazy, truly.  Though I may be obviously really tired, I am even more thankful.  This role is special, this life is special, every single little minute we have together is so special.  Every day, every month, every year I hope I'm growing at this mothering privilege.  I'll never forget a moment I had with you at my 6 week dr.'s appointment after you were born.  I looked at you and knew deep in my heart you would not be interested in staying a baby for long.  I knew you'd always need me, but there has always been a sparkle in your eye to grow and live and move and explore.  I pray my heavenly Father keeps leading me to know how to love and lead you best.  It's a big role and I'm having a whole lot of fun, even when the days bring tears.  I love you Zoe Joy.  We all love you so very much.  Your daddy is so proud of you and so delighted by you.  We love how you crawl right up into our laps and hug us tight around the neck when we are sitting on the floor. Or how anytime we get you out of your crib you give us the biggest squeeze.  You even already love giving kisses and smacking your little lips together.  You amaze me sweet thing.  I'm excited to continue celebrating you tomorrow on your big day.  It's been fun to celebrate you already with our families.  God created you for a purpose precious girl, and I pray he pursues your heart more and more every day, and that you would be drawn into relationship with him and trust him with your whole heart.  Here's to year two with you Zoe Joy Marie...we are sure looking forward to it!  Happy almost birthday sweet one. :)

The Only Relief in Grief

Grief can be wearying.  It often feels like a struggle to want to make sense of what feels awful, while actually having to surrender the reality.  It's a fight to selfishly want to understand and get some control over what feels like chaos, while accepting that we are the created, not the Creator...the children, not the Father.  It can grip your heart, invade your dreams, tempt you with fears.  It is shocking when you least expect it.  Sometimes it is lonely and confusing.  Though the process might be natural, that doesn't mean it's comfortable.

We are continuing to grieve over the loss of our dear friend Kristen Sauder.  It does not feel right that we have lost her from this life.  My guess was true a couple weeks ago when I assumed we would only miss this precious friend more and more as the days passed.  It feels like the wind gets knocked out of me when I want to pick up my phone and text her, or when I so desperately wish for another conversation...another experience of her sweet smile, her infectious laugh, her deep, soulful, Jesus seeking wisdom.  When I want to see her sweet family, all together.  When I think of all the lessons, the teaching, the memories, the moments, the experiences shared, her incredible family...it aches.  I did not get to know her long enough.  We are in a new place and a new ministry and talk about her all the time, trying to explain to people just who this amazing woman was, and how she so greatly influenced our lives...and it always brings me to tears.  It feels sweet but sad when my daughter recites her first "Picture Scripture."  I want to be able to share with Kristen face to face what a difference she's making in my family.  I'm constantly thinking, "we need her here."  Actually I believe the whole world needs her here.  I want her here for her family.  For her husband to love, adore and enjoy, for her children to have her affections, her leadership, her friendship.  For more memories to be made here.  She was an amazing wife and mother.  And I know I don't even know the depth of how amazing they know her to be.  We are really hurting for them.  It's actually incredible how intensely she and Kurt have affected every area of our family and ministry.   How they are intertwined forever in how we seek after Jesus, long to know his word while shining our light for him, and prayerfully lead our children to as well.

So we have had some seriously sad days, continuing to hurt and question, to wonder and seek the Lord and his truth in all this.  Just like the day she went to be with Jesus, I randomly have times where I feel like someone is taking a bat to my knees and I might fall on my face.  There are moments it grips me painfully hard, especially when I am focused on my own understanding, or lack thereof.

There is only one thing that brings me relief, that picks me up from a low place when I am tempted to stay there...

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an ETERNAL GLORY that far outweighs them all.  So we FIX OUR EYES not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Now we know if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

MEANWHILE WE GROAN,

LONGING to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling,

because when we are clothed, will not be found naked.

For while we are in this tent we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed, but to be clothed with our HEAVENLY DWELLING, 

so that

what is mortal may be swallowed up by LIFE.

Now it is GOD who has made us for this VERY PURPOSE

and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."

(2 Corinthians 4:17-5:5)

Do you know what brings me relief in grief?  It is in the knowing, in the realizing that if we think what we are living here on earth is LIFE, then we are greatly deceived.  A body and "life" that is mortal has an end.  REAL LIFE does not end..."real" life is abundant, eternal, EVERLASTING.  There is no grief in "real" life!  It is actually a gift of grace from our Father that we are allowed to know so much joy, beauty, and goodness in these earthly, mortal dwellings.

We must fix our eyes on Jesus.  We are like grasshoppers you all.  This is serious.  Open up to the Psalms, or to Isaiah, and get to know the One who made you.  When I think about me, my plans, my purpose, my understanding, I am not in a good place.  But when I crack open my bible, pour over those divinely inspired words, and turn the worship music up loud, I dwell on the character of God, the sovereignty of my Creator, and I know peace.  I admit I wanted him to answer our fervent intercession for her life differently.  Yet that is my own understanding.  I do not know the plans, but He knows them well...they are his.  They are good plans.  Kristen said so herself on her blog.  This "life" on earth is but a vapor, a mist, a breath.  What awaits us is an eternal glory that far outweighs it all.

We aren't here for ourselves...we are here for HIM, so that one day all may come to him.  We are here right now for the opportunity to know him forever and be known by him here and experience it now and then.  There is work to be done here, and a relationship with our heavenly Father to be poured into here.  He will give us rest for our weary souls.  

While this time often has a sad stillness lingering over it, like how can we move forward in life and ministry without a woman who led us and loved us so well through it, that is exactly what we have to do.  We will continue to enjoy her sweet self by sharing memories of her, spurring each other on with all she taught us and poured out with her life.  In honor of her, for the sake of Christ.  Kristen was battling boldly for the purpose of her Lord.  She wanted ALL to come to the saving knowledge of him.  She prayed for and sought after revival.  The Jesus whose feet she sits at now, is the very one she longed for all to be in relationship with.  I will carry on equipped with the Word of the Lord, and spurred on with the encouragement of a sister who faithfully laid out the path.  You know how she knew the path?  She knew Jesus.  And now she KNOWS him.  EVERY time I want to ask her what I should do in a certain situation, I KNOW what she would say...pray.  Take it to Jesus.  Get on your knees.  Work it out in your journal, look for it in scripture,go back and forth in conversation with him.   Be relentless in your seeking after him.  He exists to be found, so do the searching!  Offer yourself to the good plans he has for here, which have significance that lasts way beyond.

I hurt with her family and her friends, her loved ones, and all who just don't want to see any sort of future without her right here in the present.  Oh how there was so much more "life" here to be lived with her.  But oh how short this "light and momentary" present will really turn out to be.

You might think you want it all here friends.  But trust me, you don't.  There is so much more at stake.  

I wrote out almost all of 2 Corinthians 4 and 5 in my journal yesterday.  Read it.  Read all around it.  It is rich and good.  It is life-giving.  Earlier in the chapter Paul writes,

"We are hard-pressed on every side,

but not crushed;

Perplexed,

but not in despair;

Persecuted,

but not abandoned;

Struck down,

but not destroyed.

We always carry in our bodies the death of Jesus, 

so that 

the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body....

All this is for your benefit,

SO that

the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to OVERFLOW to the GLORY OF GOD.

Therefore, we DO NOT LOSE HEART."

I do not know what you personally are going through, but do not lose heart.  I could have saved you all the reading of this post by simply typing out the oh-so-powerful lyrics of "Come to Me," sung by Jenn Johnson.  It is on an intense repeat for me right now.  This is my anthem.  This is what he's calling us to do friends.  Run there, meet him there.  Keep your eyes on him.  He's all you need.

I am the Lord your God,
I go before you now.
I stand beside you
I’m all around you
And though you feel I’m far away
I’m closer than your breath
I am with you
More than you know

I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need

The Anchor Holds

"I have fought the good fight, 

I have finished the race, 

I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

Kristen most certainly did.  Last Wednesday morning, our friend and sister in Christ,  Kristen Sauder, went home to be with Jesus.

Kevin and I have been friends with the Sauder family for several years, we were in ministry with them in Louisville for a season, and have stayed with their children on several occasions. We have a deep, deep love for them.  They have both mentored us, loved us, encouraged us, prayed for us, and believed in us.  We hold dear our memories with this faithful family.  We are heartbroken.

There are no words adequate to describe the journey we have been on this past 13 months, battling for our sister in prayer, seeking the Lord to show himself faithful, to restore life to this precious woman of God.  We have wept and wept, clung to one another for comfort, covered her four amazing children and beloved husband in the strongest prayer we know how.  This really, really hurts.

It is a gut-wrenching kind of pain to lose a life so precious, so impactful, so significant to so many.  We really, really miss her presence with us here....and that reality will not go away.  Here's the truth I've concluded.  This life on earth...it will rip your heart out.  And honestly, I know I don't have to convince most of you of that, because you already know.  Yet God is GOOD, his Word is TRUE, and he sent his son that we may have abundant LIFE.  He did not intend for death.  That is the very reason it is awful.  Death is not from our Creator, our Father, our Healer and Redeemer.  Death is dark, it is intended by the evil one to steal, kill, and destroy.  We know the minute it happens that this is not how it was meant to be.  While we are here we are meant to be longing fully for heaven, to be in the presence of Jesus.  You might remember only 18 months ago when I wrote about the loss of our brother in Christ, Matt D, due to a heartbreaking tragedy. While we rejoice for him and know that the Lord is always healing, the heartache of that loss remains.  At the time he was on staff with Kristen's husband Kurt, as well as with my husband.  When we celebrated his life I sat right beside Kristen, worshipped and wept with her.  Honestly, this just feels shocking and surreal.  But just as it was true then, it is true now: we have been struck down but not destroyed.  This world is not our home...and the battle rages on.  Yet this enemy has been DEFEATED.  We are in the presence of the mighty God of angel armies and he ALWAYS has the final say.  Kristen is home, where God intended and longs for us all to be, and she is more ALIVE than she's ever been before.  It does not matter what pain-inducing attempts the enemy makes to strike us and shake us and convince us that we are abandoned....he is WEAK.

He knows who holds the future and the VICTORY.  We are not abandoned, we are not alone, we will not be shaken....God is FOR US.  Jesus reigns forever.  (worshipping to this today)  He is FAITHFUL.  He WILL sustain the Sauder family, and get them through the hardest of days.  We will be battling in prayer for Him to do so.  He will work mightily throughout the entire community she left.  His promises are good and true, and we can stand firmly on them.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible, right at the top of my list of life leading verses, is Isaiah 40:21-22:

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  Has it not been told you from the beginning?  Have you not understood since the earth was found.  

He sits ENTHRONED above the circle of the earth, and its people are like GRASSHOPPERS. 

           He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in."

I actually could write out all of Isaiah 40.  There is so much rich, comforting, ground shaking truth....

our Lord sits enthroned above the earth and we are like grasshoppers.  It is crazy because it's impossible for us to comprehend, we are unable to even fully take in what this means.  I don't love this verse because it is the most comforting at first glance...but it is what assures me that the Rock I put my faith and trust in is worthy, faithful, and immovable.  He is SOVEREIGN.  Life here does not happen by chance, and there is a Ruler over all...and he is GOOD.  I am like a grasshopper in comparison...who am I to question my Creator, THE Creator?!  Here are some other verses that God is using to assure my heart through this...

Psalm 18 - "I love you O Lord, my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer.  My God is my ROCK in whom I take refuge.  He is my SHIELD and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  I call to the Lord, who is WORTHY OF PRAISE, and I am saved from my enemies....

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless, He is a shield for all who take refuge in him....it is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect....

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.  The statutes of the Lord are TRUSTWORTHY, making wise the simple.  The precepts of the Lord are RIGHT, giving JOY to the heart.  The commands of the Lord are RADIANT, giving light to the eyes.  The fear of the Lord is PURE, enduring forever.  The ordinances of the Lord are SURE and altogether righteous.  They are more precious than gold; they are sweeter than honey....

I am STILL confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

WAIT for the Lord.  Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord!

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever.  

The Lord gives strength to his people;

the Lord blesses his people with PEACE."

Psalm 31 - "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place...

Be merciful to me, O Lord, for  I am in distress;

my eyes grow weary with sorrow.

My soul and my body with grief.

My life is consumed with anguish and my years by groaning;

my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak....

But I TRUST IN YOU, O Lord; I say, "You are my God."  My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies, and from those who pursue me.  Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love...How great is your goodness; which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men, on those who take refuge in you.

So our church family in Louisville, alongside Kristen's family and other dear friends, are in a time of grieving for the loss of this lovely, passionate, and mighty woman/warrior of God who we all asked God so fervently to allow to remain with us for a longer time....while we are left here on earth to carry on.  Yet we are also joined together to PRAISE him through this pain, not only because we know he is worthy of praise, in every season, but because that is what our friend Kristen led us to do all throughout her courageous battle with cancer.  God is sovereign in a way that we cannot comprehend and often don't even like.  Our understanding is so limited....we often want answers but have to remember again and again that He IS the answer.  We ask why he would allow pain like this to people who are seeking hard after him, to a family who is as devoted to him as any person you will ever find.  And he responds by telling us to TRUST.  To seek after him and to WAIT.  That was part of the message given at her funeral, truly a celebration of her life.  God asks us to trust who he says he is, and to look to him for strength for the days we have to endure until we can be with him as well.  He has the final say, he knows what he's doing, and his plan is to bring all to him.  His plan is for good, and he knows this time on earth is a vapor, a mist, a breath.  We feel like the joy should be found here, but He knows the JOY is found in him and with him.  His ways are not our ways, but we do know that we are all on our way to the plans he has for us. Good plans for those who love him.   And we do know that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.   He intends for us to do the work!  It won't be long until the ultimate redemption is realized, until all is made new, until all is made whole, until we can be with our friend Kristen and many other loved ones again.  Yet his work on earth is not finished and he asks those of us devoted to him to sow, sow, sow.  Do not hesitate, do not waste another minute waiting to share the salvation intended for all.  If God is waiting to make his return until the work is done, then we certainly need to increase the effort.

The spiritual temperature is rising, do not doubt that for a minute.

God is on the move, there is a battle at hand.  The enemy prowls around and won't stop at anything to try and manipulate our focus off of the very fact that we are in the middle of the battle.  He wants us to want it all here on earth, to believe that this is all there is.  To think there's no such thing as eternal significance.  A place where it is all about us, and now and 'live for today.'

 Do not think it is a coincidence when you are tempted on all sides, when you can't seem to find time to read the Word, when prayer seems too difficult or boring, when you feel hate or judgment for those around you or spend your time invested in things that don't matter...or things that frankly bring zero glory to God.  There is an enemy intentionally at work here.  But the good news is still the GOOD NEWS.  We have broken all of our promises and fall flat on our faces in failure to live honorably before the Lord we belong to.  Yet He, in his gracious mercy and love, out of the kindness that He is, sacrificed his only son to pay the price so His promise of redemption and eternal, abundant, amazing LIFE would belong to ALL who believe and surrender their lives back to him.  He has armed us for this battle.  Run to Him.  Ask him to change you with life shattering truths when you open your Bible.  Then open it.  Make an appointment with him and be changed by your encounter with your Creator.  You will find no rejection.  The invitation is always open.

As much as our world is desperately trying to become a very "gray" place to live, do not be deceived.  You do have to choose a side.  To either be following the Spirit's lead, or living by the flesh.  The scariest place to be is one where you think all of your choices are not either born of the flesh OR born of the Spirit.  The power of the Holy Spirit is a great one, and leads only to life.  This is not a battle against flesh and blood, but a spiritual battle, and the forces of evil futilely working to steal, kill, and destroy lives do not rest.  BUT they are weak, they will not have the final say, and we have the power of the Holy Spirit, the very same power Jesus had when he stood up to the enemy here on earth. God is love, and he draws us to himself, so that very love can flow through us onto a hurting and lost world.

You might think this is the grief talking...and it definitely is.  But that's because if God gets the glory and he works ALL things together for the good of those who love him, then let that goodness start now.  It has never felt more real or clear to me that this world has nothing for me, and this earth is not our home.  What a privilege that He even allows us to know so much joy here.

Honestly, we all wanted so desperately for Kristen to live....here, with us, right now.  She was doing a mighty work here on earth for the glory of the Lord with her family.  She was FAITHFUL.  I still want her to be here, I wanted many more days of knowing her, learning from her, following her lead in life and ministry, enjoying her friendship.  I love her children with an intense love, and I want them to be able to be held by their mother for longer here.  That's because I am still so human, so earthly unable to grasp that her present reality is the REWARD she lived for.  She is alive.  For now I only know in part.  The truth is, over time God will be faithful to heal our hearts in some way.  But with each new season of life, a soul like Kristen's will only be missed more.  God has created us with a longing for Heaven.  So if you've ever wondered if this is all there is, a life that inevitably keeps offering pain, the answer is joyfully no.  More awaits than I can comprehend.

I have so, so much more to share about this sweet soul we lost, the impact she had on me, the legacy she has left, and all that she has taught me, especially in this last year as we were forever changed by learning to fervently seek after the Lord.  But for now I felt the desperate need to share what I know without a doubt is truly needed for us to do...

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in his wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace."

Fix your eyes fully on Jesus my friends, and this earth and the sorrow it tries to weigh us down with will be dimmed.  Kristen most certainly knew this and lived this....she drew ALL of us to this...and now she worships right there in his presence, she is rewarded in full.  She would want you to know this....God loves you so much, more than you can imagine.  He is inviting you to come and see the abundant life he has for you too.  He is waiting for YOU.  "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13)  Kristen absolutely did, and we are so thankful for how it has radically changed us all.  We will miss her every day until the Lord takes us home too.

Please, please pray for Kristen's husband Kurt, and their children.  They are experiencing the most intense kind of grief.  Their sadness is so deep....yet their faith remains unshaken.  They know the Lord is faithful and that He will carry them.  Also read her story and hear Kristen's very own heart on their blog, Further Still.  There you can also find resources, authored by her and her husband, that will change your life.

Kristen did this interview a little over a month ago, after she was told she had 5 days to live.  Take this amazing woman's words to heart.  "I have sought the Lord and I have found him....when your worst nightmare comes true, the anchor holds.  I am with the One who loves me."

When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!!

(If the video doesn't show up, click on the word 'post' to go to it.)

Post by Southeast Christian Church.

Blog Post Catch Up/Overload

Hi friends! I'm back in a big/kind of crazy way. ;) I have been writing here and there over the last several months, and last weekend worked hard to add pictures to the blogs I've written and get them ready to post. So I'm doing that now, back dating a couple because it just makes sense to me in my head to do it that way, posting them when I wrote them. So hopefully that doesn't create some pretty annoying blog feeds, but at least I'll be caught up! I hate feeling behind, and I'd love to start writing right where I'm at. To make it easier to read all the posts, (which I'm really only expecting from my mom and mother-in-law, let's be honest ;), I'm linking to them here. A LOT has happened with our little family over the last several months, which why I'm excited to finally be documenting it here. Going through the process of working on these has humbled me all over again with how God is working in our lives. And how our loving Father is always pouring out so much to be thankful for.

Here are the links to my posts:

Zoe - 1 month
Zoe's BIRTH STORY
Zoe - 2 months
Zoe - 3 months
On An Adventure (the first time I wrote after WE MOVED)
Zoe - 4 and 5 months
Selah is 2/Life Update
Zoe - 6 and 7 months

So yes, you can read all about how our family moved...apparently after those crazy newborn months we didn't think we needed a rest. ;) So we headed off to IN when Zoe was 4 months old and Selah was almost 2. We were sent off with an abundance of love and prayer, though it was an especially tough time. Not a particularly easy move for us. It took a lot of prayer and what felt like courage to leave a place we loved and amazing, irreplaceable relationships. We will always be missing friends and family in Louisville, but I'm so thankful for how our new church family has been amazing in welcoming us here. We were sent off joyfully with so much support and wisdom from our Southeast church family, (where Kevin worked for the last 7 yrs. - for my blog world friends ;), and we moved to Indiana on mission to keep doing the work He has for us. We are so grateful for having been taught and prepared the way we were at Southeast. We are excited to be a part of our new church family, where Kevin is the Small group/Discipleship pastor, as well as having opportunities to preach. God is clearly at work here and we are excited to join him on this adventure. After only being here for a few months, I can honestly say we're really loving being here. We've had our ups and downs in the moving process, (along with moments of shock), but God has been faithful to continue going before us.

To our friends and family, THANK YOU does not adequately express how much we appreciate your prayers and encouragement through this. It is amazing to experience the kind of support we did before moving, as well as what we have after. Definitely overwhelming in the best possible way. So here I am, back online, where this is hopefully just the start of sharing all God is teaching me on this journey....in ministry, in motherhood, and in life. What a privilege to be created by such a loving Father, and pursued by him everyday. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Zoe - 6 and 7 months!

 

Well, I feel like I started writing this post when Zoe turned 6 months, but obviously didn't get finished. And now she's 7 months old as of last Friday!  Whew, slow down with this growing up little babies!  6 months was a huge turning point/growth spurt for Zoe, much like 3 months was. From 4-6 months she remained just happy to be held or touched, or loved on. The girls and I developed quite the rhythm of getting out and about and having fun, especially because our town lends itself to lots of walking, parks, and storytimes. I always get Zoe out first, put her in my Pikkolo carrier, then get Selah so I can hold her hand. And Zoe was happy to just hang out with me, no matter what we were doing. She is still that way mostly. She used to easily fall asleep while being worn. But in the last couple weeks she has refused to miss out on the action. And just a couple days ago she started sitting next to Selah during storytime, and wanting to be out and about and on the move when we're somewhere. I remember this time with Selah too...it's such a shift from sleepy bitty baby to excited about life older baby! This past month has had so many new things for baby Zoe...TWO bottom teeth, sitting up on her own, crawling on her knees, dumping the dog bowl, not falling asleep in the baby carrier, wanting to be with her sister and participate during outings, and napping at the same time as her sister - yay for mommy!!

These two could not love each other more!  

And even big sister can't resist those squishy cheeks :)

Oh how I adore these two.  And trust me, they both have the cutest dose of silly as part of their personalities!  This will be so fun to keep watching within our family dynamics.  Now that Selah is talking all the time she is cracking us up.  I have no doubt Zoe will be much the same!

This is a signature Zoe face.  She can curl the best lip, 

and sometimes it's just to be silly!

 It's so funny because both Kevin and I thought that the first 6 months were pretty similar for Zoe...the same squishy, snuggly baby who has an old soul and notices everything.  Kevin said once, "I don't feel like she's changed at all."  Which isn't true, but she did really hold steady with her personality and preferences.  Even the cashier at Trader Joe's the other day said she seems so much older just by the way she looks at you. It's funny. I have always said about Zoe that she has never preferred being a baby, and is in a bit of a rush to grow out of it! That said, Zoe seems to have two moods...super duper happy, or super duper not. ;) As I mentioned before, baby girl cried so much those first few months. And she was not a long napper. She really seemed to thrive on movement and closeness. She was literally like this from day one too.  It has definitely been so sweet to get to know her more and more.  I think I'll make a list to commemorate this little 7 months old of mine.  Maybe 7 things about my littlest baby girl.

ONE:  My sweet girl needs her mama.  She's always been one who wants to be close and where I am.  Two days ago she went from her army crawling that she's been doing for a month and a half, to full on crawling on her knees!!  What is happening around here?!  It's adorable though, and she is THRILLED to be so mobile.  One thing that's made it easier to embrace her "growing up" is we've always known the more she can control her position the happier she'll be!  She's also sitting up great, and though I hate to admit it...she pulled herself up today.  Boo hoo, baby's growing up!  It really is crazy, the first baby you kind of expect to get bigger, and wait to see what's next.  The next baby you say, "Slow down little one, no need to rush out of this stage to the next!"  But anyone who has kids or loves kids knows that the next new thing they learn just adds to the fun and wonder of childhood and getting to be a parent.   She has always loved to reach out and hold on to something.  When I'm feeding her she grabs my chin, mouth, or nose.  If I wear her she holds my shirt or the carrier.  She has quite the grip and it's always been a part of who she is!

Zoe crawled over to the stack of books we just brought

 home from the library and sat right down on one of them.

  So far both my girls are sweet little readers, after their mommy and daddy's hearts!

TWO: Zoe is CUTE.  She has the roundest little head, she's always loved to have it rubbed, and she has the sweetest, squishiest little cheeks.  I think she also has such beautiful hands.  She's always moved them so sweet and delicately.  Everywhere she goes she's told she's a beautiful baby, and she just gives that big grin in return.  God definitely gave this girl a sparkle and a joy to share with the world!  She also seems to be a little more compact like her mama.  Which I think is sweet.  She also has the most adorable rolls and always has.  Another way she's so different than her sister.  From day one my two sweet girls have each shown they are their own unique little gals.  I'm excited to see how their similarities and differences will come to life more and more in our family and through their friendship.

THREE: Baby girl LOVES TO MOVE.  She is my little wiggle worm.  I will never forget one morning leading Bible study at church last winter and saying, "I think my baby girl wants to come out!"  She was always leaping and lurching and kicking when she was in my belly.  It was crazy sometimes.  One day I was in Trader Joe's and thought people might be looking at me funny because my belly was moving out of control.  Ha.  Well, the same little lady is quite the gymnast outside the womb.  It's hilarious the way she eats.  It's not this peaceful, stare into my baby's eyes experience.  She twists and turns her body the whole time.  And she eats quick - 5 to 7 min. max.  Crazy compared to last time!  It's actually hilarious how used to it I am.  I LOVE how God prepares and equips us to be mamas to such unique and different children.  Though it can take some work and lots of prayer, it's such a fun adventure to the parenting journey for sure.  Zoe's been rocking the super fast army crawl for about a month, but just this past week she discovered the ability to go from room to room.  As much as she loves to be where we are, she has developed a new drive to explore every corner.  Time to close the doors and put up the gates! :)  This baby girl makes a beeline for the water bowl every time.  And if anyone is on the floor she wants to crawl all over them.  It's hilarious, and if Selah doesn't want her to get into something she'll say, "Yo-ee (Zoe) Mommy hold."

One of the first days when Zoe started rocking on those knees at the beginning of this month.

FOUR: Zoe totally did a 180 and turned fussy into flexible and FUN.  I had gushing milk at the beginning and I have no idea if that contributed to her colicky nature those first few months.  But even if it did, she always, always hated being flat on her back, from day one in the hospital.  Which makes safe sleeping tough.  (and reiterates my love for the rock-n-play!)  This baby girl rolled onto her tummy at 3 months and 4 days and has never ever slept on her back since then.  Which didn't even make me nearly as nervous, even when she was tiny, because it helped so much with her sleeping.  It's funny because while I didn't get to have long, luxurious times of sitting and holding her, taking her all in, much like I did with her sister, I did get to hold her and love on her a lot while walking, moving, bouncing, doing life, etc.  So I still got my precious newborn, once-in-a-lifetime snuggles, they were just a little more active than last time.  And now she still loves to be involved in any and everything.  She is up for anything, anytime, just as long as she gets to see what's going on or participate....and as long as she's not alone. :)  The girl needs her people for sure.  Even though she's always on the go, she will happily give a snuggle session anytime!

FIVE:  Baby girl is not a big fan of sleep.  She has certainly gotten better, but this sweet gal could party all night and day long it seems.  Her daddy just said the other day he thinks she might be one of those who doesn't need much.  Uh, I would have to disagree...that is NOT in her genes. ;)  The other 3 people in her family actually love a good snooze.  But true to her 'life of the party' self she sure loves music.  She even just started bouncing to it during our dance parties which is awesome!  At first I wasn't really sure she was doing it, but today I tested it and it was so cute.  Definitely need a video.  She also loves to put everything in her mouth.  She is a chewer for sure, and will keep me on my toes with the things she finds to gnaw on.  I could have stopped with she will keep me on my toes.

SIX: Zoe LOVES HER SISTER.  And she has a sister that absolutely ADORES her.  I teach the girls that they are best friends and talk to them about how to treat each other in light of that.  My prayer is constantly that they would be so blessed to share life together and be best friends the whole way.  And neither one is as happy as they would be if the other is not there.  Yet they both are happy to have their one on one time when they need it.  It is so sweet how Selah gets upset if she hurts Zoe, whether on accident or on purpose.  And if Selah starts crying then Zoe looks at her and thinks she should be crying.  The drama is thick here you all.  That is definitely in their genes, I have to say!  Their daddy and I take all the responsibility for that.

Look at those sweet and squishy legs!  And yes, for 10 days during the move

I used disposables...that was a GREAT decision for my sanity :)

Selah had her crib in the main room for awhile after we moved for various reasons,  and would always say, "Baby in," after she woke up from her nap.  So I would let them snuggle together in there, which they both always love.

She was not sitting on her.  And no, I do not let her do this.  But that's

not to say she doesn't try!  

How hilarious is this?  

Selah got a baby picture of mine and set it right in between them.  Ha!

SEVEN: Zoe is a daughter I always dreamed of.  She and her sister both.  Oh how I could never have imagined how amazing these days would be.  I cannot believe He is giving Kevin and I this amazing honor and privilege of loving two little girls, being filled with joy as we experience life with our daughters.  God has taught me so much through Selah and Zoe, (and motherhood in general).  One lesson I'm finally learning is to be gracious with my children and gracious with myself.  Being a mom is hard work, but amazing work.  It hits me all the time that I am living the answers to years and years of prayers when I longed to hold my own sweet babies in my arms.  And every day when I'm juggling these two sweet girls, through constant diapers to change, meals to make, training to follow Jesus, obey mommy and daddy, and be kind...I am thankful.  I don't always have a great attitude or get everything done that I think I "should."  But I will tell you this....I do not take this life for granted.  The Lord is so gracious to give us these days to make memories with these little ones.  And wow, how I've learned so much more about his love for me.  I am reading the book Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson and it is amazing.  Rocking my world in the best way.  God has shown me some of my faulty thinking while I have been reading it and saying, "Oh my goodness yes!  This is exactly for me...this speaks straight to my heart."  But at the same time thinking no one else must need that encouragement.  Yet somehow it is growing quickly in popularity and I've heard others say it has been amazing to them as well.  That alone gave me so much peace to know....I am not alone.  I am not the only one who struggles with different aspects of motherhood even while I embrace my littles so completely.  The enemy might attack me and want me to believe that I am alone and crazy and everyone else has it together.  But my Father in heaven gently calms me and says, "Fix your eyes on me, not the world.  I will give you rest and be all you need as you train up these sweet ones in righteousness.  Know me...love me...seek me, and be graceful with others."  

It is my desperate cry that we as mothers and even those who long to be mothers would be one another's greatest encouragers.  That we wouldn't make it our place to judge or overly advise when listening and praying for is what is required.  That we could embrace how uniquely the Lord has designed us all, and how each must follow the convictions the Spirit has placed in her own life.  I think a lot of freedom will come from that.  Shocking realization:  There is not one way to raise these little people, not one way to parent.  We all certainly have our preferences and opinions, but outside of what the Bible teaches, God leaves a lot left to need to come to him for in the way of wisdom and learning.  Which is why we have to be asking Him to lead the way.  We are raising kingdom workers, prayer warriors, and God's children.  That is big time.  We need each other and we sure need Jesus.  There is rarely a day when I go to a story hour and don't meet someone new.  And whenever I ask about them or hear a little bit of their story I see over and over women needing to be encouraged on this journey.  If you go to any events like this throughout the week, I encourage you to always, always talk to someone you don't know.  Show them some sort of kindness and learn their name.  Smile, be sweet to their baby, let them go first.  It is such an opportunity to be a light and show love to another mom who just needs to know she is noticed and she's doing a good job.  

Well, I think that will wrap it up for now!  I am excited to be "caught up" with some of these blogs I've been partially writing so that I can start writing as it happens now.  I feel like there are so many details I'm always wanting to blog about, or heart stuff I want to share, but needed to catch myself up first.

Selah is 2! (and a Life Update)

Today is a day that forces my hand to the keyboard.  So many of them prompt me strongly, but today I just couldn't resist the prompting any longer.  My baby girls are growing up...fast.  It's amazing really.  Most of the time I feel like I'm along for the ride, thoroughly enjoying the adventure that every new day brings.  Yet sometimes one day brings newness to it that makes my heart lodge firmly in my throat and I have to choke back the tears of losing yesterday to forever.  The only thing that helps me recover is my extreme thankfulness for today.

(Taken right before we moved, during a hot, exhausting packing day)

So in light of my long (yet not unusual these days ;) blogging absence, I think I'm going to have to steamroll the current info. onto this blog post.  Because I usually so desperately work to create perfect little packaged posts that hold all the info and pictures I want in it and not anything else.  But I've been trying that and I keep running into problems with it...not enough long stretches of time or energy to complete them entirely, a computer that is in the crashing stages of life and I haven't been able to upload photos to for a year, and an often lack of emotional energy or discipline to record these precious days.  I sure do miss documenting life on this blog, so I'm determined to make a come back.  But this post isn't about that.  Let me add a quick note to say that I used to care too much about making certain groups of people happy with what I write...but I think that does a disservice to myself and my little ones.  We obviously have rough, plenty of bummer moments types of days, but I usually don't choose to expand on all that when I do memory posts like this.  But maybe on one of those days I'll just spill my guts.  Maybe not. ;)  So pretend I entitled this, "Celebrating My Kiddos."  Well, okay, one thing.  There was that night last week that Kevin must have run an errand, I was giving Zoe a bath and Selah hadn't obeyed right away so I sent her to time out.  Well she was exhausted and got her feelings hurt so she started that dramatic-sad-not really crying-but screaming anyway thing, which in turn prompted her sister to start fake crying/screaming, (those two really seem to stay on the same page;), and it hit me just right that I had to put my head down with the biggest smile on my face.  I just couldn't stop laughing at the moment, thinking about this crazy scene.  This is definitely a far cry from the time Zoe was 10 days old and this happened...I cried with them then!  So things like this happen and most of the time I don't even know what day it is because I feel so exhausted...but I'm thankful to be blessed with that exhaustion so this post reflects that!

(Zoe is growing like crazy and she is a HAPPY child!)

First, the latest with us: we moved to another state and are working at a new church!  I actually wrote all about it about 3 weeks after we moved, and I just posted that and back dated it here.  So that will fill in some blanks and emotions.  We've now lived in our home in IN for a little over 2 months.  It has been crazy, as moving (especially with little ones!) always is.  But we are really soaking up this time as a family too.  It is definitely a bonding experience to move to a place that neither of you have ever lived and learn it together.  We have certainly had our hard, homesick moments, but this post isn't particularly going to be about that.  But I will say THANK YOU to our amazing Louisville community who have prayed us through this transition.  We sure do miss doing life with you, but you are in our conversations, thoughts, and prayers often.  And we are SO grateful for being sent out for kingdom work with such support.  We are also really thankful for the sweet, gracious community here who has welcomed us with open arms.  And God has really blessed us with continual affirmation in little and big ways that He has gone before us here.  Which ultimately brings more peace than anything else!

Our home here is getting cozier and more "us," and the girls and I are honestly having a great time exploring during our days.  There is the cutest children's bookstore downtown that has a train table and story time 2 times a week.  (And a special, longer activity on Fridays you can register for!)  We also have the most amazing 3 story library that has story time a few times a week, and an awesome play area.  Then there's Barnes and Noble's story time on Wednesday where they also have a train table....along with gingerbread lattes and mommy books too!  When the weather was nice her most favorite thing in the world was the "pawk." (park)  She could go for hrs. there.  We also usually make about a once a week trek to Trader Joe's, about a 20 minute drive, which is like a field trip to Selah because she gets her own cart...and she has turned into an awesome, mostly no fit throwing shopper.  I have also become more efficient at getting through the store, and if I keep it to 20-30 min. max we're good.  Don't get me wrong, we certainly don't do all those things every week, but I love the options, and whenever we do any of them it's been a really fun time and a good day.  I think Selah and I both like the adrenaline from our outings. :)  Actually just this past Monday I was really taken back by how much Selah has changed even since we moved 10 weeks ago.  When we first started going to story time here she kept asking for the train to be uncovered and got a little ready for the stories to be over.  But just this week we went in, she sat down on the little carpet square and loved the stories, anxiously waiting for each page to be turned.  So I chose this week to start checking out big stacks of picture books at the library to read throughout the week which my teacher heart has been loving.  And Zoe is totally along for the adventure.  We have quite the system and she lives in my Pikkolo carrier. We both have grown to love that thing. There are also some really sweet, young moms that go to our new church, and we're slowly planning more play dates to get to know them.  But just keeping two baby girls fed, changed, and getting their regular naps while keeping up with the house and continuing to get settled has proved to be all consuming on a lot of days!

I guess what I really want to be writing down for keeps right now are thoughts about my baby girls as they are.  So I should get right to that...

Selah is 2.  She is an amazing, beautiful two yr. old who has captured our hearts and created a whole bunch of joy bursts in there.  We look at her all the time and tell her how beautiful she is.  We actually use the word 'cute' a lot around here, so she does too.  Which is awesome.  She looks at the baby and says, "Cuuute."  Or if I put a necklace on or curl my hair I get the same reaction.  So do furry little animals she sees, so I don't quite know how to take it.  ;)  What a journey we've been on since her baby sister was born.  It has blown me away how awesomely she has jumped into the big sister/sharing mommy role.  Such a beautiful blessing to see her love her life with Zoe in it.  She has always been a nurturing baby lover, with a pretty good imagination for independent play, and it seems those things have helped.  But from the moment we brought Zoe home, Selah has wanted to be with her as much as possible.  The first thing she says whenever she wakes up from anything is, "Bay-bee, bay-bee." She immediately wants to wraps her arms around her neck and smother snuggle her. She can say 'Zoe,' and sometimes even Zoe Joy, but I call Zoe 'Baby' and 'Baby Sister' so often that I think it's always stuck with Selah.  She makes us laugh absolutely every day.  I love it when she says, "Whoops!" if she or someone drops something or if she falls, and "Saw-ree" when it's appropriate.  About a month before we moved, I'll never forget that first moment Selah said, "I do it."  We were in the bathroom and I was helping her with one of her dolls.  It caught me off guard but was so precious.  That was her first sentence.  And the beginning of her language explosion.  One of the sweetest nights of my life was 4 days before we moved for good, after a super fun night of swimming at a friend's house, and I was getting dinner for Selah in the midst of packing while Kevin was out of town, already having started his new job.  I handed her something like a napkin or cup and unprompted she said, "Gank-oo!"  (Thank you)  I got the biggest smile and it totally caught me by surprise.  I have been saying "Thank you mommy" probably after almost anytime I've done something for her or given her something since she started making sounds and words.  It is an amazing moment, as other moms have experienced, when something you've worked hard to train your child in bears fruit.  Amazing.  I have a whole post to write about that night, (and I'd better get to it!) because it was sweet and special, and right on the edge of everything that was to come.  Just one of those sweet spots in the midst of crazy that I desperately needed and meant a whole lot.  Speaking of swimming, I do wish I had written more about that this summer...Selah LOVES the water.  It's really awesome and was so cute to see.  Even in the midst of packing and craziness, I tried to take her to the pool as much as possible.  The month of August was awesome because it wasn't so unbearably hot for Zoe to sit in the stroller and often sleep.  Then at the end of the summer Zoe was big enough that I got her in with us a couple times and she loved it too!  Such sweet little water babies.  We made some really special memories this year in the pool.  Next summer will surely be a blast with them both eager to get in.

A few weeks before her second birthday Selah really started talking about everything and pointing out everything.  It was like all of a sudden we were like, "She knows what everything is!  How long has this been going on?!"  Ha.  These little ones go from baby to big kid in a flash.  She was also saying, "Ma-muh, ma-muh" all the time when she was calling for me or talking to me.  So sweet when she would call for me with this sweet voice from her crib.  How can you resist?  The crazy thing is how quickly she stopped calling me that and went right to 'mommy!'  It was like over night, right around when she turned 2.  It really surprised me that she just changed, so I tried to make her go back.  Ha.  Good luck telling a 2 yr. old what to call you. :)  Then I settled into and accepted we had grown to Mommy.  But guess what little big girl started trying out on me last week..."Mom!!!"  What in the world is happening.  I have no idea where she picked that up but it is funny.  I still keep trying to refer to myself as Mommy, but she firmly goes back and forth.  Today I spontaneously showed the girls a cheer from high school and Selah responded with a calm, "Good job Mom."  Ha!  I've settled into the fact that I just love being her mom and I'll be happy to be called whatever her little heart desires.  So enjoy it while it lasts fellow "mamas!"

Even as I'm writing I feel a little desperate to figure out how to possible capture her exploding personality on this simple computer.  But it's impossible.  Saying things here just sound like facts....but they couldn't possibly capture the life that is in my firstborn baby girl.  Anyone who has or has had a two yr. old knows what I'm talking about.  They are so full of LIFE!  She is funny and silly and loves to play.  She calls other kids, "friends," and doesn't understand when big kids are the nicest, but she's getting more curious about it.  She can play all.day.long.  It's amazing how long she could go without eating or stopping if we let her, especially at a park.  And they have great parks here.  So many places to explore.  She could also sit and watch Curious George for longer than I let her too, so she's definitely a versatile little person.  She has a sweet heart and loves to do things as a family.  She loves to take walks, which we've done a lot of since we've moved.  When we first moved here we went to the children's museum with some friends and she had an absolute blast the entire day.  Couldn't get enough.  I think all the fun things to do and the fact that everything is so close together here has really helped her transition seamlessly.    And I think she was also at the just right age to be flexible and not so attached that she would have a hard time.  Though I know she would be thrilled to visit our old/home church and see the familiar faces that have loved on us so much.  We sure miss them, and certainly have some really homesick days, but are thankful they sent us with many prayers and words/hearts of confidence in the Lord's plans during this next step for our family.

Moving was hard.  Really hard.  It was exhausting to pack and clean, find a new place to live, process leaving our old life, and take care of a 4 mo. old and 23 mo. old at the same time.  It was emotionally exhausting too, and I think I got sick with a bad cold or sore throat in the middle of it.  We tried hard to get together with as many friends and family as possible before we left, which was awesome but crammed our days full at the same time.  Looking back I'm amazed at how Selah adventured through those later than usual nights and kept going with joy.  It is seriously a blur.  The week before moving and the 2-4 weeks after feel like such a crazy time in my memory that I was just forcing myself to physically get through.  Zoe has always needed me in a big sort of way, which I love about her, but looking back I think that contributed to the exhaustion.  Not to mention that my youngest baby used to hate being in the car.  Not a great situation in the midst of all the running and driving we were doing.  My saving grace was having two babies who didn't know the difference of what was going on, and just wanted to love life!  So doing fun things with them in the middle of it all helped me keep my sanity.  But that's all just a side note.  We survived, and dare I say now we're on the brink of thriving! :)

Back to my baby girl....Selah still loves all her baby dolls, but she doesn't leave clothes on any of them.  Which I think is the opposite of how I was when I was little, concerning the clothes thing.  It will be interesting to see how this evolves.  She also loves building blocks and will tell you to sit and play with her.  And she loves kicking or throwing any type of ball.  She really seems to love 'working' at something.  She has recently started loving 'making' something in the kitchen, or helping wash the dishes.  And I let her "make" to her little heart's content, giving her little bits of flour, raisins, oatmeal, and measuring cups and spoons.  It is her place of delight to be working with me like that and I love it.  She loves when I make, "muffs." (muffins)  And I've recently taught her to like carrots and "hummoose," which I'm thrilled about because I love hummus.  Little things I wish I would have done a better job of writing down are things like when she started making actual kiss sounds when she kissed us.  (instead of just putting her lips together)  This also happened about a month before we moved and it was so sweet and adorable.  She started putting so much purpose behind her affection.  It's the little things that seem to make your heart the happiest as a mom!

She's also learned a lot about obedience and seems to be a child who wants to do the right thing.  But I can tell when it's hard for her because she has that "look."  She went through her first "fit" phase around the time we moved because I can remember telling Kevin, "Just make sure to support her head on her way down."  Ha.  These kiddos sure have strength!  That's right around the time when he wasn't too thrilled with Trader Joe's trips that got too long! ;)  She's also started "running," swinging her arms and everything and it's awesome.  She loves to go on walks with Daddy without the stroller, just holding his hand and occasionally running with him.  A few months ago she was saying, "Yeah" a lot when we'd ask her something, and we'd correct her to say, "Yes, please."  So she transitioned to, "Yep,"  which was so cute.  Then in the last few weeks she has started saying, "Yes, peas."  And it's awesome.  An encouragement to new moms...start repeating the manners over and over early and one day it will stick for good!  My mom was huge on manners and it has stuck with me.  I'm definitely thankful to have been trained in that way, where it feels weird if I'm rude.  (because let's be honest, I definitely can be.)  The hilarious part about when they start saying these things is that they say them all the time.  Like now when you give something or do something for Selah she says, "Gang-koo, Welcome.  Gang-koo, Welcome."  So funny.  Selah loves reading, and she loves books about numbers or animals.  She really loves it when something is funny or silly.  She still sucks her thumb and twirls her hair when she's tired or unsure of something.  But right before we moved she grew out of holding onto my hair when I would rock her or sing to her.  Just today she asked me to take my hair out of a ponytail when I was holding her at one point, but that was it.

The last 6 months with her have definitely been a time when we have been overwhelmed with moments of truly delighting in who Selah is becoming.  It is such a powerful connection with the Father's heart when you read in His word how he delights in us and can't really imagine it or fathom it.  Then you have a child of your own and it is overwhelming how the reality of delighting in another beautiful creation in a way that takes over your whole soul.  I have moments of watching her and just being speechless with how I feel about her.  Just tonight I snuck up the stairs and peered through the railing to watch her talk to her stuffed animal and 'read' her Bible before she finally surrendered to laying down for sleep.  Then I went up to make sure she wasn't sleeping on a block or a book and she woke just enough to ask me to get in.  It's actually pretty cozy in there.  You know it's almost time to transition to a  big girl bed when she's old enough to ask us to snuggle next to her because she knows we can't resist those sweet moments.  The other night I rubbed her head and sang her all the way to sleep and treasured it in every way I could.  I always, always longed for this, prayed for this, desperately hoped for moments just like the ones I'm having now.  It's a really incredible experience to learn how to parent and encounter the refining that comes from it.  And to witness the unfolding of a life learning its way for the first time.

I just can't resist all the original uniqueness that comes from within her.  She is untainted by the world and brimming with pure innocence and it's amazing.  I treasure it as hard as my heart will allow.  Every experience with her is new and amazing because it's the first time it's happening for us as parents.  Some of those firsts she hasn't loved, like fireworks at a wedding this summer which terrified her, and the fire trucks in the first parade she saw.  "Too loud," as she would say.  She gives a pretty good neck grip during these times too. :)  She loves to help get everyone's socks and shoes ready when she wants to go somewhere, and two days ago she sat and worked at it and got her own shoes on and velcroed...which was adorable because she had a shirt and diaper only on and we weren't going anywhere.  Speaking of diapers, she's still in them.  And I'm still cloth diapering two.  I'd love to tell you about it sometime. ;)  So far she makes her little Target bath baby tinkle in the potty chair so it will sing and say, "Yay!"  I'm waiting for her to feel really ready.  She asked to be changed, so I think she's close.  When she was 18 months, right before Zoe was born, she didn't have a diaper on after bath time and became really overwhelmed because she had to "poo."  So we ran and put her on the potty and she pooed in there.  And apparently was pretty traumatized because she never wanted to do that again...ha ha.  So we'll wait for that.  We're doing fine without wiping bottoms and dealing with public places so far. ;)

We pray more about Selah's relationship with Jesus than anything else.  She likes to talk about "JeeJee" as she calls him, and thinks every Bible character is him.  She also insists on first finding the "baby" towards the end of the Bible every time we open it.  We just recently have been talking about really praying for the Lord to develop and refine certain character traits we see in our children.

Motherhood is no doubt hard work.  For every mother, no matter the situation or circumstance.  But it is good work.  And us mothers have an intense bond of knowing what it's like to love that hard and that fully.  I am in a sweet place right now, really enjoying these days that are flying by but are being filled with memories.  When these sweet ones are grown, the thing I'll miss the most is how they feel in my arms.  Oh how I love holding them close, feeling their sweet skin, and calming them by running my fingers through their hair or rubbing their little arms.  I love their giggles, their energy, and their joy.  I'll miss those sweet baby things one day, but I also excitedly embrace the new days and ways they grow...because I don't take it for granted to get another day with them.  It's such a privilege to raise these sweet children God birthed from my womb.  So amazing.  I pray for many, many, many days with them.  And I pray hard for the relationships we'll hopefully have as they grow and we get to see how God will use them.  But for now we're going to take all the sweet snuggles we can get!

Well, that's embarrassingly long.  But I'm sure the grandma's and great-grandma's appreciate the update!  I obviously can't turn this into any longer of a post...or at least I'm not going to.  So that's it for now...my amazing littlest baby Zoe girl will get her own update coming up next!  That little one is going to be running circles around me in no time!