Ready or Not, Here I Come

Birthdays are kind of like my New Year's. Maybe it's because mine is so close to the first of January, or maybe because this is when I am the most deeply reflective about how I have turned out after all these years. I often read my journals, think about my life, remember my dreams, and wonder, "What was I thinking?!" It's usually on my birthday that I take a good long look at where I've been, where I am, and where I really want to be. It's also on this day when I face the feelings and fears that have been holding me back or threatening to hold me under. Today, January 6, 2010, I am 29 years old. At the heart of me I am the same girl I have always been. My grandma often tells me that she looks in the mirror and only recognizes her eyes. I wonder if when I look in the mirror today, if that will be the vision I hold in my heart for how I see myself even as I grow older. Perhaps even how I think God sees me.

I have to say, this birthday has been different for me. Very reminiscent of 25, I must admit. it was on that day that I had my major, "Life looks nothing like I thought it would" meltdown. Yet so much changed after that moment. I was different. It was that birthday that I was so afraid of spending the day alone. This birthday I am now blessed with and married to the man I prayed years for, who celebrated me with my favorite pink gerber daisies today. On this day it is more like, "Okay, it's now or never. There is so much that needs to be done, so much passion that must be pursued." It's like I'm desperate to make my "life list" and get it all lived out before what we all know is looming exactly one year from now. Before I'm "old." Yes, I'm aware of my dramatics. But that's the fun of being 29. I no longer feel the need to apologize for it!

So on this day, I am ready. The next year of my life I am choosing to live wide awake. Full force, ready or not, here I come. Today, as I taught 22 beautifully wonderful, goofy and squirmy third and fourth graders, I felt a surge of hope in my heart. A childlike delight about enjoying the last year of my twenties and forging fearlessly into what feels like true adulthood. Who knows what lies ahead. More than I can possibly imagine. What I do know is what lies within. The same restless spirit that has grown in my heart since I was a little girl. I have loved Jesus with a powerful passion for as long as I can remember. He has been so faithful and I long to serve Him. I desire to enjoy Him. How fitting that my day would start today with two sweet girls telling me about their commitment to read the Bible in a year. I long to live the Bible more deeply than ever this year.

It is in this blog that I plan to document the days that are to come. The moments that will make up the memories that will shape the rest of my life. When I am "old." Okay, I'm over it. 30 technically isn't old. But hey, I have one year left until I walk down that road and come to my own conclusions. How about you? What one thing does your heart insist you do this year? Let the ride begin and the journey continue.


sandra mae said...

YEAH for your return to the blog!
YEAH for allowing those of us far away to "hear" your ever-so-insightful thoughts!
YEAH for inviting me to share in your life again, if even just through the internet!
YEAH for loving God so passionately!

love you lots....

cait said...

Page, this is beautiful! Blessings to you as you start this ride through your 29th year! You've already got me "hooked" as a reader...;) Had to add that "teacher talk".