Zoe is 7 weeks!

(I restarted writing this on Monday or Tues. of this week and am just finishing it today.)

(my mom took this on her ipad when she was here...though it was a crazy moment and I felt awful, I'm so thankful she did! such a treasure to me)

It's been 50 days since I officially became a mom with two little ones.  So I started writing this when we were 17 days in, but honestly could not find the time or the energy to make it happen.  I do not know how mommy bloggers do it.  I'm guessing super late nights/early mornings/little sleep! :) 

What an adventure we are having!  I have certainly been exhausted out of my head, much of the past two months, but I'm so incredibly thankful.  It's really hard to believe I now love two beautiful little girls; children I have prayed and hoped for many times over the last several years.

So where to even begin.  To have both of my girls asleep at the same time for long periods of time is not quite happening yet.  And by the nighttime I am emotionally and mentally spent.  I guess I'll start with a quick list of updates and how it's going/things to remember.

*Selah as a newborn was not much of a screamer except for that hour or so at night when she was preparing for sleep.  She did cry randomly throughout the day, but with a little help she slept anytime and anywhere.  Zoe "cries passionately" when she is hungry/tired/needing changed/uncomfortable/not being held/cold/alone/in the carseat.  I know that sounds dramatic, but many days it has been crazy on the extreme side.  But I love that about her.  (Though to say I've been worn thin more days than not is an understatement.  Some for real exhaustion here.)  She came out of the womb wanting to be comforted and close to her mama, and she's growing up and out of some of that all too quickly.  The crazy thing is that she often goes to sleep on her own at night.  If I catch her when she's at that tired point - not past it, then put her down with her wubbanub and some white noise she gets herself to sleep.  That is a blessing.  My nerves have struggled quite a bit by the end of the day, especially if its been a rough one for both girls.  All this has not made me a great friend/texter/phone caller lately.  My girls have needed extra grace from me, and I have for sure needed it from others!
* I started a game where if both girls threw fits at the same time I was allowed to eat chocolate.  Then I decided it was allowed even if just Zoe screamed.  Ha.  (Sea salt dark chocolate caramels anyone?)  I wish I was kidding.  Let's be honest - it wasn't even a game, just comfort food at its best.  Weight loss isn't going so well just yet. ;)  Seriously though, the hardest moments of having two so young have been when they both cry at the same time.  It never lasts for long, but in the beginning my hormones helped me join right in.  I actually want to write a blog post of the most memorable night when this happened.

*Selah loves Zoe.  She has since the beginning.  She doesn't show signs of jealousy, or even seem to mind when I'm feeding Zoe, but I can tell when she's needing some one on one time.  I have tried to create a "15 min." plan.  I try to spend a solid 15 min. at a time doing something with just Selah, whether it's reading, stickers, bubbles, coloring, making something in the kitchen.  And I always put Selah down for naps and get her up from them without having Zoe with me.  Selah likes her best when I put her down so she can talk to her and play with her hands.  She says, "Hi baby," over and over in her sweet 'mommy' voice.  :)  I'll be honest and say it was hard for me those first weeks to really figure out my emotions and time with two.  I felt pretty overwhelmed, and some days like I didn't know how to be fun for Selah by herself.  Weird, I know, but transitioning is for real.  We are just starting to get a rhythm, especially as Zoe is becoming more flexible.  Everyone, even my friend with 10 children has told me 1 to 2 is the hardest.  And many times I've just thought or said, "This is hard."  Either it's me, my kids, or just normal.  I'm hoping it's the latter.

*In my opinion you need two things when you have a baby: a great lactation consultant and a rock n play.  I'm not kidding.  I love them both dearly.  I seriously don't know how I'd do it without the rock n play.  I worry a lot about head shape and all that, but both my physical therapist and pediatrician said the rock n play is great and just fine to at least get through the first weeks of survival mode.  The best part about it is it's easy to move around and when the baby starts to get fussy you can just rock them until they're in a solid sleep.  It's worked well for Zoe because she loves feeling tucked in or held, and it's at an incline and she struggled with being on her back for the longest time.  I think she's getting close to transitioning out though.  I just haven't been willing to do it because she's still been tough at night and I have to get some sleep.

*My nice camera broke when Zoe was only 10 days old.  Such.A.Bummer!!!  I was so, so disappointed, especially because I had been preparing to try and take my own newborn photos of her.  (Much less expensive, but not exactly recommended:)  It took 5 weeks for it to be repaired and I thankfully got it back just a week ago.  Thankfully my sweet sister in law let us borrow her camera for a couple weeks in the middle.  I have such kind and generous sisters in law!

*Breastfeeding can be completely different with different babies.  Selah was a laid back baby, but I struggled like crazy for at least 2 months to get my supply to the right place.  It was so hard.  This time I've had oversupply a bit, which just means it gushes, can be annoying for the baby/cause some colic, and they choke/eat super fast.  Even that has just started to get better though.  I think as the baby grows and your body adjusts and calms down it all starts to work out.  But we think that's what was so tough on Zoe at the beginning.  It hurt her belly to eat so fast and she would scream.  I started having to pump some before feeding.  It still amazes me how quickly she eats.  Now I understand what sounded so crazy to me when friends that had babies when I had Selah talked about these fast, no big deal feedings.  It seriously took 45 min. to an hour with Selah for at least a few months.  Then maybe 15 or 20.  Zoe is definitely no more than 10.  This is another good example to pay attention to when another mom is talking about her experience and you want to judge her or you think she's doing something wrong.  Trust me, we are all very different!  Let's be encouragers not judgers!! :)

* That oversupply did cause me to get mastitis which was seriously awful, let's be honest.  Between weeks 5 and 6, and much of the next I was wiped out in the worst way.  I'm seriously so thankful that's over with.  Thankfully my mom happened to be in town and was able to stay some extra days, which was such a blessing.  It was so hard to take care of both girls on my own, and the one day when I needed to and was still sick, they both blessed me with taking a two and a half hr. nap at the same time!  I was thankful, especially because I was asleep in bed myself.

*The first few days Zoe wasn't sure about the days and nights, but thankfully she was quick to figure out when we sleep the most. :)  Part of me thinks by having somewhat older parents our kids just have to figure it out.  Because you get to the point where you just can't stay awake.  That was so hard, but oddly enough I'm already starting to forget just how tough that felt.  Which is why we all keep having more babies!!  At around 2 weeks Zoe could go to sleep "for the night" between 8:30 and 9:30 which is awesome.  Occasionally she has a hard time and it's more like 10 or 10:30.  She was eating every 3 hrs. at night for awhile and just last week started going to every 4 or so.  She usually wakes up around 1:30, then again at 4.  Then she'll usually go until 7 or 8, but back to sleep until around 9.  One time last week she only woke up once.  I of course have no idea what day that was or what time she woke up because I feed her in bed, she eats fast, and I put her back down before I ever really wake up to see what time it is usually.  Talk about being way different this time around.  I always went to the living room with Selah and it took a long time for quite awhile.  Occasionally she needs a diaper change then, but it's always so awesome when they start being able to go all night without one.  Zoe did that around 4 or 5 weeks which was wonderful.

*Babywearing has been so helpful.  Especially since Zoe has needed so much love.  (Which, by the way I think is super normal.   I'm a huge believer in the "4th trimester" that "The Happiest Baby on the Block" talks about.)  I still couldn't fall in love with the Moby wrap this time.  Too.much.fabric.  For me at least.  It is really comfortable though, I just don't have time to put it on.  Ha. :) And I think it would be too hot for the summer.  I have really wanted a ring sling, but have made myself not buy anything that isn't completely necessary.  Especially since we bought a Pikkolo by Catbird Baby when we were pregnant with Selah.  I didn't use it a lot then, but am really starting to love it with Zoe, especially as she's a little bigger.  It's really comfortable and supportive.  We don't have a double stroller, but today we took a walk and I wore her in that and it worked great.

(I had to stop writing this here...the babies needed me and I didn't get a chance to get back to it until now!)

*Okay, I am picking this post back up 2 days later, but what a difference two days makes.  I started leading a new Bible Study session at church this morning, (I'm crazy I know.  But women's ministry is under my husband's leadership right now, and I don't exactly think he'd relate as well. ;)  Besides, if I don't have something that I have to be out for, it takes me way too long to get connected to others after having a baby.  And I absolutely love it.  (We're doing Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer-one of my favorites)  We already had an amazing morning and I can't wait to see what God does over the next several weeks!  Anyway, miracle of miracles both girls are fast asleep right now and in their own little beds.  So I am typing like a maniac because they are growing up so fast and I want to get these memories down....

*Last night I picked up my journal and started writing..."Today I felt like a rock star."  Ha ha.  We had the car, it was a beautiful day of sunshine, and I took the girls to Barnes and Noble and Target.  And we had FUN.  It was awesome.  I even got to flip through a couple books while Selah played with the trains.  Selah and I were sweating like crazy by the end of it, but it was a sweet morning.  I wore Zoe in the pikkolo, and Selah did such a good job holding my hand and listening.  I am so thankful for how sweet she is being right now.  Kevin and I agree we are loving her current stage.  It brought me so much joy to see her experience joy on our "adventure."  (which is what we call it anytime we go out)  At one moment I thought, so this is how moms with more than one do it.  They just make it work.  I remember going to Target with Selah for the first time and feeling so overwhelmed and nervous.  Now that sounds like a piece of cake!  (Keep in mind, I never thought something like that was difficult when I was 'nannying' years ago.  It's definitely different when they're tiny, close in age, and mine!)  Seriously, my heart was so full after a fun time with my girls, and I really had that, "I so want to remember this day" feeling.  My first time really 'having a day out' with my two baby girls.  Twenty years from now I hope we'll be going to Target together for the fun of it and they'll laugh when I tell them the story.  We even went to the pool last night as a family for the first time, which was so fun too.  Zoe slept so well in her little bassinet while Selah loved the water.  AND I made dinner.  Crazy.  Thankful for a much needed good day.  (Though my laundry still/always needs folded!)

*Seriously for the last two days Zoe has had really great happy and awake times during the day, smiling at us and being fairly flexible, even in the carseat.  She is still needing her hour of fussing at night, but last night I think she seriously slept from 10 until 5!  Then back to sleep until sometime between 8 and 9.  Whoa, how awesome!  I really believe having a better milk supply this time around is making a huge difference.  Unfortunately I got so caught up in journaling that I didn't go to bed until 12:30 and it took me awhile to fall asleep.  Then of course my cute toddler slept an hour and a half later than usual, and I woke up 30 min. before we had to be at church!  But we made it.  Oh the wonderful craziness of motherhood.

Well, that's it, I'm done for now.  My lovely little ladies are awake and ready for me.  Thankful for the few minutes to write some things down.  This short, choppy sentence writing style is not my favorite, but I'm thinking something is better than nothing.  Long sentences are a luxury these days. Such a bummer to not having any pics with this one, but our photos are on Kevin's computer.  Here's what I'm hoping to post soon:

Zoe's Birth Story (half way done...don't expect anything less than the long version!)
Meet Baby Zoe...her 1st (and pretty much 2nd!) months of life (pictures!!)
The night we all rocked and cried
Cloth diapering two babies at once (wow, what an experience:)
My thoughts/compassion for new moms
A couple snack recipes we're loving lately!

You know I'd like to get those all posted in the next few weeks...but you also know me.  These days my blog posts are a big surprise in your Blogfeed. 

I hope you're enjoying this summer day in some way!

Welcome Baby Zoe!

We had our precious baby girl a week and a day ago!  Oh how excited I am to share her amazing birth story with you...crazy, hard, a powerful experience in every way.  I can't think about it without being brought to tears.  But first, without further adieu, here she is:

Zoe Joy Marie

4/15/13

7 lbs 2 oz

4:11am

We are loving this new little life...so much more to come!

Letters to My Daughters Part 2 - Our Beautiful Baby Zoe

(This has been a hilarious and memorable due date; Selah woke up super early and I made her wait way too long for me to get her up.  I can hardly walk and wince in pain just standing up...which means I practically have to drop her in her crib for naps.  She was more whiny than usual (surely not because her parents are a mess!?) Kevin came home to take us to brunch but accidentally slashed his finger in the glider while on the phone (???) It's pretty bad and has been throbbing all day.  Oh and we did make it to lunch, then to the pet store which I thought she'd love....not so much.  The cats made Kevin sneeze all afternoon.  Oh my.  All while the rain came down and we carried on with our usual crazy.  Never a dull moment!  Zoe is coming into quite the party :)  Credit to Jenna Maddux Photography for doing a beautiful job taking our maternity photos!  So glad we squeezed them in!!)

 Dear Baby Zoe,

I know it might seem crazy to call you beautiful before I've ever seen your face, but I know you are being uniquely and wonderfully knit together by our heavenly Father....so I know you are a beautiful, amazing creation.  I guess it's weird to think I'm writing a letter to a little life I've never met.  But the second I say that I realize we have spent the last 40 weeks getting so acquainted.  You were breech for about 34 weeks, and it was a whole different experience having my little one's head closer to my heart. What I loved most about your position was how intensely, (though painfully;)  I was able to feel your movements.  I always felt like people would look at me and be shocked by how crazy my belly looked while you moved.  It definitely made it easier for your daddy to feel your movements and see your little body rolling all over in there.  Every time he sees or feels it he gets really close to my belly and says, "Zoe, what are you doing in there?  We can't wait to meet you and we love you so much..."  It is a powerful experience to have your belly prayed over when you're pregnant and we've done that too.

And now sweet one, on my very due date, you are snuggled up so tightly on my sciatic that it's actually pretty hard to even walk or move!  Though that has been challenging for me this week, today when you were kicking out my side as you like to do, I thought of how everything will change so quickly, in a moment, when you finally are placed in my arms.  Oh, I am so excited!!  I really work hard at savoring pregnancy, trying to memorize this belly and all these feelings and moments.  It is certainly more difficult at the end with such physical pain.  (or the first half when I'm throwing up. ;)  But how amazing will it be to meet your brand new life and witness your first breath!?  An experience that I know will be unlike any other.  Worth any and every moment I could endure while you're in my womb.  Now, labor and delivery is definitely not all flowers and gumdrops of course.  But my only experience so far sure was fun....and all the details, crazy or not, are what make it special.  And rest assured, knowing your daddy and I, we will always be sure to share the most dramatic version with you and your sister. :)

We just cannot wait to see what you look like, what kind of traits you share with your big sister Selah, what kind of personality you have, and how completely different you are as the one and only you that God has made.  Even though I know how much I already love you, I imagine those who've already been down the road of having another baby are thinking that I have no clue what emotions are coming...and I believe that  And I wait with expectation at what it will be like for your Daddy and I to look into your eyes and really get to know you.

I imagine loving you will be a divine adventure....filled with tears and triumphs, sweet moments and sometimes crazy ones.  More than anything I know we will have to seek after and trust God with every step.  You are his sweet child, and we are the privileged ones who get to know you and raise you.  And know we pray fiercely for you baby girl.  I will spiritually fight for you every day of your life.  God has taught me so much in my journey as a mother so far, and I know with every life he entrusts to us those lessons will only increase.  I hope you always know how very much I love being a mom...and I so love being your mom my Zoe girl.  Trust me when I say, I work really hard at keeping a grateful positive perspective.  But I am obviously far from perfect...God is continually refining me and I will just hate it when I fail you.  Unfortunately, I know there are times when my broken self will.  That is the beauty of grace...receiving and offering it freely and fully.  One of the biggest struggles of all for me as it has been no easy task in my life.  But oh how I'm thankful for God's constant pursuit.

That is a lot of words for a baby before you're even born, I know.  But I just never want to forget these moments of waiting, wondering, anticipating your arrival.  The last moments before I meet you and am changed forever by knowing you.  It's just so hard to believe that God loves us so much to allow us this experience.  I don't take it for granted, and I have to surrender my anxiety every day.  I have prayed so many times for the Lord to breathe life into you, to protect you and deliver you safely into our arms.  Many others are praying for you too, and we are so very thankful.  Oh, and your big sister Selah...well she already seems to love you too.  She points to my belly when we ask, "Where is baby sister Zoe?"  Then she wants to lift my shirt and kiss you right on my belly button.  I know she will be fascinated when she sees you, a real baby that we get to bring home and love.  I am longing for that moment when we're together.  We pray that you two will love each other so much, and be best friends for your whole lives.  I'm quite sure with us 3 gals in the house we will have our moments. ;)  (And I know I don't even have a clue!)  But I trust we'll get through it and hopefully love each other more for it.

I think I keep writing and writing because it either makes me feel closer to you, or I'm trying to coax you out. (or calm my nerves!)  You are welcome to come anytime baby girl!!  And please do.  I'm a pretty good swaddler, (your daddy is the best), and we will keep you warm and snuggly on the outside too.  The anticipation only grows with each day little one.  I just can't believe I'm about to hold a new baby in my arms again.  And I am so crazy grateful.  I love you little Zoe.  As your uncle Darin asked last weekend, you can come out to play now!

Love, Mommy

Letters to My Daughters Part 1 - My Sweet Selah

(Yes, this is a 'rose-colored' glasses sentimental post that I wrote yesterday.  Which I'm glad I did...because this morning I had a patience level that wasn't so rosy.  Just so you know;)

I have wanted to write a post to and about my Selah girl before her baby sister comes for the longest time.  Today, after some sweet moments chatting with her and singing to her in the rocking chair, in an effort to coax her into a second nap, I'm glad to finally be sitting down to write.  She loves to kiss my belly right now, and raises her eyebrows whenever we mention Zoe, or 'baby sister.'  She also will miss it when my belly button pops back in, I'm quite sure.  Ha.  Today I'm so sentimental, staring into her petite little face, amazed at how this incredibly overwhelming love I have for a child is about to multiply.  I love this age, I really do.  Seems like the most challenging one so far, but so amazing nonetheless.  I often thought I should write this in my craziest, stressed out moments...you know, for as much of a realistic perspective as possible, ;) but this works too. 

Dear Selah,

Oh how I love being your mom sweet girl.  It's overwhelming in the best way.  Becoming pregnant with you, carrying you for 41 weeks + 1 day, meeting your sweet face after watching you being born....I mean seriously, what an absolute treasure the Lord has given my heart through these special, priceless moments.  What an adventure we have been on over the last 19 months!  From the hard work of getting in rhythm just to feed you at first, to our late night snuggles that went on for quite awhile; hearing you laugh for the first time, making you smile, getting that heart leaping, brings me to tears feeling whenever watching you try or accomplish something new.  Watching you sleep, memorizing your features and gestures, growing in patience as you grow in will, determination, and strength; loving how you hold my hair when I hold you or your tired/scared, loving how you love your thumb while twirling your own hair.  In these last two months I feel like the baby grew right out of you and a little girl took her place.  I thought that was true after 15 mo., but I remember looking at you then and still being able to see my baby girl there.  Now how I love to see you grow...and that you still love your mama in the best way.  You recently started saying mom-MEE in the cutest voice, which of course I am loving...and can hardly resist!

You show your joy and excitement over something, (like being rescued from your crib in the morning;), by saying, "Hi!" in the cutest, sweetest voice.  I love it.  Your hair is a wild animal of its own, and your Daddy would love for me to agree to cut it...but I'm just not ready yet.  Anytime I consider it I think it looks especially fun and cute the next day.  We'll see if we can make it to 2. :)  You are such a little hard worker.  You love to move things from one place to the next (with some grunts while you're at it).  You also love, love your babies, your books, and any balls available.  Such a versatile little gal.  You love to take one particular baby everywhere, which I have a soft spot for, because I was the exact same way with my babies.  You are thrilled about going outside, which is a recent and new thing, since the weather is nice and we don't really have a back yard, so we have to be creative when we're home.  We played with sidewalk chalk the other day and you were delighted.  You also adore your Saturday morning dates with Daddy.  I know he does this to try and give mommy some rest, but now I think he just delights in that one-on-one special time with you.  He absolutely adores making you laugh...and he's great at it.  Mommy tends to get the snuggles, Daddy usually gets the giggles.  We pray so hard about being good parents to you and your baby sister.  We long to raise you to love, obey, and serve the Lord.  Which is why we are working so hard to teach you to obey us the first time we ask.  (Though today I think we looked at each other and said, "We have no idea what we're doing.":) Submission is a lifelong lesson little one, but a trait that certainly leads to freedom.

You also love to go to church and 'praise Jesus!'  I like to take you into worship sometimes because you like it so much, then to the nursery after.  And you love, love your Sunday school class experience, which I'm so thankful for.  It certainly is neat to see you so eager to play, interact, and learn about Jesus.  Or maybe you just love that sticker you get to wear. :)

We've had our tough days and tears, that's for sure.  Having a pregnant mommy who's been through several crazy feelings and stages these last several months has not always been easy on you, I'm sure. But we sure have shared so many sweet moments.  The pregnancy has helped me savor our time together even more.  I love reading you "The Lion and the Mouse," having dance parties to our favorite worship music, taking you to storytime at the library, and teaching you about things we do around the house.  We have such a rhythm you and me, and I have loved seeing you grow in understanding of what I'm saying and doing.  My weariness through pregnancy has also allowed you to be introduced to your Baby Faith dvd's which you could watch on repeat.  And thankfully so could I, which is why I let you watch them at all. :)  Oh and Mister Rogers.  Another one of the few I will play for you.  And it is definitely sweet to see your enjoyment and discovery.   I will always be amazed by you sweet girl.  Even in your sassier moments of independence or not so lovely exertions of will, I often want to scoop you up and have compassion for the tough lesson you'll learn that we're all sinners, broken on this side of heaven, in need of the life giving grace of our savior Jesus.  (Sometimes I just want to go into the other room and pray to Him!)  So often a truth that's tough to accept.  But I promise you little one, God wants to wrap you in his arms even more than I do.

You love life, it sure seems that way.  You are enthralled with babies, and all kinds of little kids in general.  Which  makes me so incredibly excited that you are about to begin the most beautiful adventure; that of being a sibling.  My brothers have been two of the greatest gifts God has ever given me...and I am thrilled that you are about to become a big sister.  What a joy and a blessing.  You will be an amazing leader, nurturer, and friend to your baby sister, I have no doubt.  She will be so blessed by you!  Having not had a sister, I love to imagine the two of you 30 years from now, talking and laughing about your crazy parents.  And hopefully reminding each other that even though we are so obviously and undeniably flawed, you always knew how deeply we loved and treasured you both.   We'll also be excited to see how God chooses to add to our family in the future.  We will always pray for and lead you all to be great friends.

You will always be our firstborn baby girl Selah.  That is a special role to play.  You will always be the one who shared in all the first experiences of parenthood with us, and who has been able to see the crazy looks on our faces when we encounter something else new for the first time.  You will be the one who had us all to yourself for 19 months of your life...and who continues to teach us just how much we can love.  Which in turn has taught us more about God's love for us than I could have ever imagined.  I know your sweet sister will only add to our joy and limited ability to grasp the
Father's love for us.

(This is the kind of hair day Daddy says she'll be mad at us for later :)

Our world is about to  change little one...and we give all the the glory to God for being on the brink of bringing baby sister Zoe into our lives.  While I know we'll have weary moments while we work it out and grow to know one another, I hope and pray for so much fun and sweet joy ahead.  God is so good to allow us such deep and life giving relationships on earth.  Family is so special, and I'm excited that we are about to become 4.  I pray you never doubt our love for you... and that you would come to know and embrace the purpose God has for your beautiful life.  You are a pearl of great price...and you hold such a special place in my heart.  I love you so much Selah.

Love, Mommy

Full Term (a.k.a. I better write this down!)

(This is the kind of energy I'm exerting into taking an update photo of myself these days...hanging out on the couch while blogging.  Ha.)

So, how in the world am I almost going to have my second baby?!  Well, it's not all that shocking, as I have truly felt this winter has been quite long.  Definitely different than running around all tan and pregnant in a sundress and swimming every day leading up to delivery.  Now I'm being refined as a person and shaped as a parent by the daily learning of leading a toddler!  I. am. tired.  But thankful.  So thankful.  I had a couple months in the middle of this pregnancy that seemed fairly energetic, but wow, I've had some tough days.  I have come to admit that I'm a low capacity pregnant lady.  Mentally, emotionally, physically.  Keeping up with all things domestic, trying to be a good wife and mom, and wanting to be fruitful with how God leads me has been challenging more often than not.  The good part about this is how powerfully God has been able to reiterate my desperation for Him.  I have no choice but to acknowledge how completely incapable I am on my own....and to put in an order for a big helping of grace!  I struggle with even saying I've had tough days when we have precious families in our lives right now who are facing really, really major battles and are desperate for healing.  Perspective is incredibly powerful and humbling.

I was part of a prayer service for a friend I have mentioned before who is battling cancer, and for whom we are pleading with God for a miracle of healing.  That particular night of prayer was absolutely amazing.  We prayed and worshipped for more than two hours, calling on God for his divine power to be displayed in Jesus' name.  And we truly believe he hears us and is mighty to save.  I'm telling you, not much will bring you closer to the Lord, your maker, than to fall before him, acknowledge his truths and that you trust him, and bare your soul in asking for his divine favor.  I have been helping to facilitate a Bible Study at our church over the last 8 weeks, and have referred a number of times to how tough it can be to not see the big picture and understand the story as God does.  Yet at the same time, my confidence in approaching the throne of grace has grown immensely.  Because as I read his word and look deeper into the heart of God, I meet my heavenly Father, the King of kings, who wants to have an intimate relationship with me and tells me to call to him so he can share with me great and unsearchable things that I do not know.  So I am calling.

My motivation for writing this is that I simply cannot keep it in.  I haven't felt emotionally or physically up for putting my heart into words, but sometimes you get to that place where you just have to share what God is doing and teaching or you'll burst.  I'm there.  I'm 37 weeks pregnant, having braxton hicks and feeling pressure that seems like I could deliver this baby any second...and my bags aren't even packed.  I have made list after list and this past week I've worked on crafts for taking photos of our baby girl after she comes, some different sewing projects, thinking about a creative big sister outfit for Selah, and yesterday I made a cake.  Because it sounded good.  I'm just saying, my priorities are all out of wack.  I do have all the newborn baby clothes clean, the pack n play/bassinet thing up, and lists for Selah (sort of) made.  We have done some prep for labor, I did meet with the lactation consultant, and I take my prenatals.  Oh but I have more pictures to take, more memories to write down, a house to get out of a state of disarray, more sentimental moments to create and share with Selah, a post to write about her, a pregnancy update post to write about baby #2, more ways to beautify and savor the experience.  But if there's anything I've learned from being a mom, it's that life just keeps going, moment by moment, whether that moment is handled perfectly or not.  And I'm forced to surrender those moments to God and ask him to make something beautiful of my often frazzled, fragmented self.  And certainly I should be thankful to have all these "things" to consider and think about.

I've been reading the book "7: a Mutiny of Excess" by Jen Hatmaker, and that will definitely shake up your perspective quickly.  It certainly helps to remember that at this point in our pregnancy with Selah we hadn't even moved into our home yet and our second car had just broken down!  We were still living in a sweet family's basement and relied completely on the generosity of others.  And I reminded myself yesterday, (when I thought, "What if I go into labor right now?), that if that if I were to go into labor I'd call Kevin, we'd go to the hospital, and we'd have a baby.  Even if our mile long list wasn't near completion, and my home remained in a state of disarray.  (Admittedly tough to conquer and keep clean these days!) 

That said, perspective brings peace.  Things of this world bring chaos.  And really?  I just can't wait to peer into this little one's face and meet my new baby girl.  And oh how I am so looking forward to her daddy and sister Selah seeing her as well.  I just can't believe I'll have two babies in my arms to hold...it's already amazing to be filled up (literally) inside with one, and hold the other one, who has grown to cover me on the outside at the same time.  Overwhelming and good.

I'm 2cm dilated and 70% effaced, (as of last Friday), and I have another appt. on Monday.  This baby is so low I have moments of literally feeling like I have to hold her in there.  Selah has spent this last week getting some sort of unkind tooth, dealing with a sporadic fever and interrupted sleep.  She has been particularly clingy and sweet and sassy and smart.  I do look forward to having more energy for playing and bending over and dancing and moving faster.  I'm telling you....my belly is big.  Thankfully my little breech baby flipped a few weeks ago and relieved the crazy pain on my sciatic.  A blessing I am so grateful for!!  This little lady is such a mover and oh how I wish that was something you could bottle up for remembering later.  While it might bring relief, it's tough to adjust after delivery to an empty belly again, after having this little living love display her life in there.

So Zoe is on her way soon, and I'm in major prayer mode.  For a strong and healthy baby, for a safe and smooth process of getting her here.  Full term pregnancy, labor and delivery...major stuff, all kinds of emotions.  We're going to keep squeezing Selah and telling her how special she is, savoring our sweet days with only our firstborn...and prayerfully one day soon, bring home her baby sister, who will inevitably grow our hearts in ways we can't even comprehend.

Maybe this post will spark a writing streak these last few weeks...or days.   Maybe not.  Either way, I love you bloggy friends, and I look forward to connecting again one day soon!

Baby Girl #2 - 34 Weeks!

Ahhh...I'm aching to write, as I've had so much on my heart and mind. I just keep putting it off because I don't know where to start and I'm spending my down time reading, researching, and thinking of all the things I need to do!
I can't believe my sweet baby girl will be sometime around 6 weeks from now!!!  Where has this past month gone??  It's amazing...and crazy, and awesome, and overwhelming, and unbelievable!  I think she literally dropped yesterday, as all of a sudden I woke up and felt a little different and like my belly started hanging lower - kind of weird.  But the only reason it might be so noticeable is because this little one has been pretty painful in there.  The way she has been positioned has almost felt like she's straight across my belly and she rounds that back like she's pushing to pop right out!  With this pregnancy I've felt like I could lean forward a little too much and tip right over.  Ha.  I never felt like that with Selah.  This little gal is also a mover and a shaker.  My placenta is positioned differently, which I think allows me to feel her more, but it's kind of hilarious.  When I sit or lay down at night, it's like my body has a mind of it's own, and I'm often taken back by how it feels like my body is hopping and jumping outside my control.  It's especially fun because Kevin can obviously see our girl rockin' and rolling in there.  Our little gymnast. :)

I LOVE when Selah is sitting on my lap, leaned up against me and Zoe gets to moving.  It is the most amazing feeling to have both my girls so close to me like that.  It's the same at night when I rock and sing to Selah - she'll be laying her head on my shoulder and her body maneuvered around my big belly and Zoe will be moving all over the place at the same time or kicking me like she knows something's there.  I am so savoring those sweet times.  I'm definitely at the place now where people are saying, "You're just SO pregnant."  Ha.  I do think I'm sticking straight out more, possibly due to what I was saying earlier, about feeling like she's pushing out as hard as she can.

I'm also entering the "grieving the end of another pregnancy, eager to hold my new little one, trying to pray through my labor/delivery/end of pregnancy anxiety" stage.  Even yesterday, feeling like she dropped I felt like crying because I might not have captured a good picture of her in my belly before that happened.  Ha!  So crazy and funny, but the hormonal waterworks are always real. :)  You wouldn't know it by my lack of photo updates, but last summer I made the cutest weekly update banner with one pendant that was velcroed on so I could change the number each week.  But I did a horrible job at keeping up with that, partly because it was tough to fit it all in a picture.  And for better or worse, I always change my camera to crazy settings as I work on different photography things, so sometimes I just don't have the motivation to walk Kevin through how to take an actual in focus photo.  So ridiculous, I know.

The other basic details:

How far along: 34 weeks

How big is baby? Size of a pineapple (though she totally feels like a bowling ball!)

Gender: Girl!

Symptoms/Cravings:  I've had a whole lot of crazy sciatic stuff, where sometimes it will catch and make me stop to catch my breath.  I am also totally empty on energy by dinnertime.  Mentally, emotionally, physically.  Insomnia is particularly regular, and I want every dark chocolate thing Trader Joe's has to offer.  This sweet tooth is insane.  Hmmm...maybe I've solved the mystery of why she's moving around so much in there! :)  I still just love having this big belly...and I really will miss it when it's gone and I feel like I have to suck it in again.  Another good reason to do a whole lot of babywearing! ;)  It's gotten pretty tough to hold Selah while standing for any length of time, but I still love to scoop her up and snuggle her whenever I get the chance or she needs me to.  And we do enjoy our couch time, especially since I started letting her watch Mister Rogers.  Fun memories with her. I am also aching to write an update post on her and her precious little growing personality!  I am praying so much for this new little life, and embracing this special time of having her so close to me.  It's just incredible and I'm SO grateful for this experience!  Life is happening so fast it's crazy.

Fun fact: This entire pregnancy I've only bought two maternity sweaters, one clearance maternity tank top, and a $6 pair of jeans.  I was also given a different pair of jeans.  I haven't been able to wear my other maternity clothes except for a few shirts (because it was summer), but I am surviving!  I say that just to be an encouragement to those on a budget.  I might not be too fashionable, and I might be getting especially tired of the clothes I have been wearing, but I'm so thankful to have saved a lot of money by not heeding the pressure to look cute or trendy.  (Not to mention it helps that I'm home a lot!)  That said, these last several weeks might get a little tricky, as it will definitely become impossible to wear some of the non-maternity shirts I've stretched to the limits!

Special moments with Kevin:  It has been so neat that he can feel her move so much...and he always starts talking to her and telling her how excited we are to meet her.  And he prays over her and my belly, which we did with Selah last night with her little hand on it.  She knows Zoe's name and we've talked a lot about big sister/baby sister...and as much as she loves other little babies I can't wait for her to meet this very special one.

Other than that, I'm longing for the sun with most everyone else.  I love that Spring is coming...and I rejoice in the Lord for all the newness that comes with it.  Oh how I'm focused on treasuring these baby years...there are definitely tough days and ones when my patience wears thin...but I know these are special, special times so I sincerely want to savor it. 

There is so much more on my heart and mind, and things going on in life...covering all different emotions...but I'll just have to make myself write more so I can share it.  For now I'll end with the verse that's on the artwork above the crib in the nursery:

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; I trust him with all my heart.  He helps me and my heart leaps for joy.  I burst into songs of Thanksgiving." Psalm 28:7

Happy Heart's Day From My Little Loves

(Today is a super special day, because February 10th is the day that my husband and I met 5 years ago!  I'll never forget the big smile he had when he greeted me in the atrium of his church, after I made a very nervous drive from Cincinnati to Louisville.  I will forever be thankful for that life-changing day, when God answered a prayer I had prayed for many years.  I love you Kevin!)

In honor of "love month" Selah and I did a little photo shoot a couple weeks ago.  It was quite a workout for mommy and baby, but we got some cute ones.  The first one is what we sent to our families last week...

This was what the photo shoot really looked like most of the time.

"Baby sister?"

And yes, our little Lovebug's name is Zoe!  This is a name I have loved for a long time, and I will dedicate a whole post to more of the story behind it soon, but below is part of what I wrote on the back of the card we sent with the photo to our families.  We are praying so intensely for this little one, and are just so excited to meet her and have our girls together!

"We are naming our new baby girl Zoe!  We have both prayed over and love this name, and have chosen it because it means "life."  John 10:10 says that there is one who seeks to steal and destroy, but Jesus came so we "may have life and have it to the full."  In New Testament Greek this abundant and eternal life is translated "zoe."  We rejoice over our little one's new life and pray she shares this message with many.  We can't wait to meet her!  Thank you for your continued prayers for a healthy baby and safe delivery at just the right time."

Speaking of Jesus and love, here's my favorite song about both right now....

Lady Lovebug at 30 weeks!

(This was at my 30 week appt.!)

I can't believe I'm moving right along and embracing the 3rd trimester with this little one!  I mean good grief...we will be meeting this little lady before we know it!  The first trimester and a half I was crazy sick, the second trimester I felt great with lots of energy during the second half of it, and now I'm on a bit of an every other day path.  Meaning one day I'll feel all "nesty" and productive, and then I am completely wiped out the next.  But half-time productivity is better than none. :)  Yesterday Selah and I both took 2 naps and I had a rough day for whatever reason.  And my emotions are a little cuckoo, which I keep telling Kevin to embrace.  Here are some more fun details...

How far: 28, 29, 30 weeks (I originally wrote this at 28 weeks, then tweaked it at 30, now I'm 31 1/2!  I'll try to write a more updated post soon.  Flying by!!!)

Size of baby: Butternut squash, 3.1 lbs!!! (Technically a head of lettuce by now) Wow, can't wait to meet this spunky little gal.

Gender:  We're having a GIRL!!!  Yay, fun and different experience to know.  I love calling her "she" and praying for her/talking to her by name.  Keeping the gender sealed in an envelope until Christmas was a really fun way to build up the anticipation and create a special moment...so I highly recommend doing something like that if you're thinking of finding out but want to do something fun.  (I also think that balloons in a box thing would be fun!)

Name:  Speaking of which, yes, we have a name that I love and that most importantly for us is so significant in the meaning.  I made a fun photo announcement for our families, then I'll share more publicly.  Exciting!  Naming a baby always feels like a lot of pressure...such a privilege...and I don't know that it ever totally sinks in and becomes just right until the little one is here and we can see her face!  (but I'm trying to teach it to Selah;) Tough to keep in the details...can't believe we kept everything in for so long last time!

Pregnancy symptoms:  I have backed off the cinnamon roll cravings - thank goodness!  And have definitely loved salads or soups lately.  And I have been excited about cooking and meal planning for maybe the first time in our marriage!  (Which I'm thankful I've finally come back around to...I've always loved to cook, but just haven't found my groove in the past few years)  My sciatic is really bothering me, and sleep is either great or rough.  This sweet little gal is pretty low down there and resting on some nerves that aren't the most comfortable.  And when she kicks/squirms/punches it hurts definitely more than with Selah.  But she also feels more "up front."   Finally, I definitely think I look even more "motherly" with this pregnancy.  Last time I did a lot of swimming in the last trimester, and I'm a little nervous about not having that these last few months.  Definitely don't want to set myself up for shock with the body aftermath of this pregnancy.  Yet I love what I just read in a great book I'll share soon.  She said our bodies were meant to be used up, not preserved like in a museum!  Ha - love that!

Sweet moments:  Selah is definitely a snuggly gal, which I am so thankful for.  It is not unusual for her to come up and just give me a big, long hug for no reason.  She did this a few days ago, and I just held her, thinking about these next couple months as the last months with just her.  I am beyond joyful that she is getting a sister, but I do want to embrace this time before our family changes again.  But I certainly am excited to have all four of us together!

On my mind lately: A lot of domestic things.  I find myself wanting to connect and relate to other wives/moms who might find the daily tasks at home a struggle sometimes.  Or the repetitive nature of it all.  I am definitely seeking God on what's going on in my heart with this one.  I'm also working on a post to share some of my favorite mom books lately, which have helped me realize the pressure I put on myself and how often I feel like I'm failing if I don't live up to my own expectations.  And I know I want to be a mom who offers grace to my husband and kids, but I'm finding I need to do a way better job of receiving grace myself!!

Meaningful verse this week: "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therfore I will wait for him.  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."  Lamentations 3:22-26

My prayers for my little ones are intense and seem constant lately.  Carrying a baby in the womb and having one outside my body brings my heart to my knees all the time.  I feel like I can't pray enough for these two, and have a feeling it will always be that way.  I can still hardly believe that I am a mom, and I'm just really thankful.

Birthday Snapshots

I really didn't take too many pictures with my camera last weekend, but snapped a few photos on my phone to document some of our birthday fun.

We started the celebration Friday night with a dessert run to the Homemade Pie and Ice Cream kitchen. They have the best caramel apple pie!

On Saturday morning we took Selah to Kevin's parents so we could go to brunch and a movie.  And because I'm pregnant, (and we were celebrating my birthday after all ;), we stopped at a random donut place called "Donut Sky" we just happened to notice near his parents.  And the donuts were surprisingly amazing!  Good choice for sure. 

The good thing about having a birthday so close to Christmas is the chance of having a gift card to use...which we did to one of our most favorite places - Wild Eggs.  So good.  And it was nice for Kevin and I to have a date!  We love places like this...'First Watch' in Cincinnati, and 'Another Broken Egg' in the south.  We have enjoyed several fun dates throughout our marriage at all three.

Then we went and saw this...because everyone was talking about it, so I thought it was a sure thing.  I totally respected the acting and the production, but the first half was way too dark and gritty for me.  (I didn't know the story at all before I saw it)  And you have to know, I'm a super mild and conservative movie watcher.  I did really enjoy all the Hugh Jackman scenes and mostly the entire second half.  It was just fun to sit in a movie for a couple hours, eating candy and sitting with my husband. :)

Kevin and Selah brought this to me while singing Happy Birthday while I was getting ready for church Sunday morning.  She wrote me quite a sweet message. :)

Kevin also brought home pink roses for me...I love getting flowers!

We also took a family trip to Barnes and Noble just for the fun of it.  Selah was loving some play time at the train table.  It's fun to watch her play so intensely.

He also got me my most favorite meal for my birthday dinner....corn cakes and lettuce wraps from the Cheesecake factory...yum!  (We shared it ;)  I was stuffed but enjoyed every bite!

Other than that, we enjoyed a quiet peaceful Sunday, which was my actual birthday.  I so appreciated the sweet comments through facebook and texts, as well as phone calls that day.  After church we went to our favorite local cafe for coffee and tea, then during Selah's nap Kevin joined me for a mini marathon of Downton Abbey before the season premiere that night!  And I'm happy to say he was hooked and looking forward to watching it with me.  A sweet birthday present to end my day.

Our Christmas 2012 Reality

Christmas day has such a big build up to it, (for good reason of course ;)...the decorations, the traditions, the music, the focus on the true meaning of Jesus' birthday, the only coming once a year....I mean, once it comes, you really want that day to live up to all its potential, right?  Well, this year I had to embrace that Christmas is much more than one day.  The weekend before Christmas we undoubtedly enjoyed every opportunity to worship our Savior and celebrate with our church family.  Our church had several services, and while Kevin (who is on staff) was at each of them, Selah and I joined him for 3.  One service we worshipped with Kevin's side of the family, and the other two I came to be with Kevin and visit with different people so we could wish them Merry Christmas.  It was nice to see so many people we love doing life with over the weekend and on Christmas Eve.  Selah was in the nursery for two of those services....and you might guess where this is leading.  Christmas Eve night, after we got home from a party at Kevin's aunt's house, I had a million things left to do including straightening up the house and wrapping some presents before Christmas day.  I was also working on the gender reveal cake for his parents' house the next day.  (I made a blue and pink layer, not sure which I'd use! :)  Obviously, I'm a procrastinator - especially when pregnant!

Needless to say, I learned that night that once your family starts growing you should not put things off to the last minute. Because you just never know when your daughter will randomly wake up an hour after you put her in  bed and throw up all over her crib.  Then, after she's clean yet too upset to sleep your husband might just show you that he meant what he said for the last few hours about not feeling well.  And the result of that is much, much worse.  So there we were, me exhausted out of my mind, our house a disaster, my baby girl unable to sleep so she watches God Made Christmas and Praise Baby on repeat until 2am, while my extremely sick husband lays groaning on the couch and randomly dashes to the bathroom.  All. night. long. Seriously.  How crazy is all that.  (Trust me, in the moment it seemed so awful.)  I even tried to get Selah to fall asleep in her pack in play in our bedroom while Praise Baby was on...because I was just so incredibly tired.  I actually fell asleep through all her fussing at me to get her out.  Finally I got her to sleep in her room and went to sleep myself.  And as you might guess, Christmas morning didn't exactly arrive with bells ringing and joyful caroling going on.  Kevin couldn't even really get up, Selah got up late and ate a little something, then went right back down...and they both napped for 3 or 4 hours.  Which, can I tell you - allowed me some seriously peaceful hours in my own home that are very rare.

I actually put on the Steven Curtis Chapman Christmas station on Pandora, and sat down at my sewing machine, being reflective, enjoying the peaceful day, and praying over and over for a dear friend who had just been diagnosed with cancer.  I also couldn't stop thinking about and praying for several dear families at our church dealing with the pain of losing loved ones last year.  Humbling and emotional.   It was kind of special knowing the whole city was mostly at home, the streets were quiet, and I was able to enjoy some stillness of my own.  I ended up being very thankful.

Poor Kevin, though - it was a rough day.  He managed to take a shower and give me about an hour around 2 or 3 to watch Selah open her presents, and for our gender reveal.  Which was awesome, and I'm SO thankful we saved the special finding out for that day.  He then went back to bed, and I got Selah dressed to take her over to my in-laws for about an hour of Kevin's side's Christmas.  She opened her presents, I revealed the gender, then we had to leave.  I kept telling everyone not to get too close to Selah, and I didn't want to be there one second too long, for fear of getting anyone sick.

So she and I went home and she had fun playing with some new Christmas things, while I put together her new wooden baby doll stroller.  Kevin remained on the couch.  Wednesday was quiet and uneventful, as Kevin slowly started to not feel awful and everyone was still tired.  We were planning to go out of town to my parents' on Friday for my side of the family's Christmas on Saturday.  I was thankful we'd have a second chance to celebrate. :) 

Kevin's always teaching Selah how to be gentle...and she was so anxious for him to be able to play again, while he was so worried about getting her sick.  It was sweet.

This is what happens when you leave your husband to babysit while you're sick all day. ;)

Then on Thursday afternoon Selah woke up from her nap extremely hot and very sweet and clingy.  She didn't eat much dinner and I took her temperature...which was 104.  By this time my nose started getting a bit runny, as did hers.  By Friday morning we were both much more stuffed up and kept sneezing, and we had been keeping track of her fever, giving her tylenol, but not that excited about it staying over 100 for awhile.  She also wasn't eating much more than graham crackers and milk.  So we decided to take her to the doctor before leaving town, just to make sure she didn't have anything that would be bad for being around my family and the little ones there.  She tested negative for strep...but positive for the flu.  Boo.  She had even had the shot, and thankfully so had I.  We made the very tough decision not to go to my parents' on Friday, and to miss Christmas dinner Saturday, which felt sad and a big bummer...especially since I've never missed Christmas at home.

Then by Friday night I was much worse myself, feeling feverish and my head was so stuffed, I couldn't stop sneezing, and I was wiped out.  I haven't been sick like that for 2 years.  It was a day of hot tea and chicken noodle soup.  Kevin thought it was the flu, but I thought it was a super severe cold.  And I had the flu when I was pregnant with Selah and there was definitely no denying it.  But Saturday I was wiped out and in bed all day, and would randomly be sweating then cold.  Thankfully Kevin was able to take care of Selah, (and Lysol the whole house), and she of course seemed to be fine other than a runny nose after her flu diagnosis.  Who knew that all the while I was making our exciting announcement about Baby girl #2 I was sick and miserable in bed?!  That's why I always tell my non-blogger friends that even if the gross and gritty isn't always shared, it's always there at some point.  Someone even told me that day they wished I had my energy...ha.  If only they knew!

All that to say by Sunday afternoon we were in a better place and decided to head up to my parents' in Indiana, especially since the other kiddos wouldn't be there anymore so we wouldn't infect them.  I still didn't feel great the couple days we were there, but I was getting better, and we had a fun time celebrating Christmas and spending time with my parents.

My mom and I finished a 1,000 pc. puzzle that my brother had brought on Christmas day and started with her and my dad.  This was no small feat.  But we did it!

So Christmas 2012 was quite the reality check of realizing the beauty in an imperfectly perfect day.  There were no stockings hung by the chimney with care...because I admit, there ended up being no homemade stockings. ;)  Our week was crazy and exhausting...but a great reminder of what really matters.  And proof that your house can be a mess, your presents not yet wrapped, and no special breakfast on a beautiful table served...while remembering the Lord and loving life with your family nonetheless.  Lessons learned:  think hard before putting your littles in the nursery the weekend before Christmas, and get your flu shots!!! (which Selah and I did or else I think things might have been much worse!)  Hope you all have some fun and merry stories to share from this past Christmas as well.