Full Term (a.k.a. I better write this down!)

(This is the kind of energy I'm exerting into taking an update photo of myself these days...hanging out on the couch while blogging.  Ha.)

So, how in the world am I almost going to have my second baby?!  Well, it's not all that shocking, as I have truly felt this winter has been quite long.  Definitely different than running around all tan and pregnant in a sundress and swimming every day leading up to delivery.  Now I'm being refined as a person and shaped as a parent by the daily learning of leading a toddler!  I. am. tired.  But thankful.  So thankful.  I had a couple months in the middle of this pregnancy that seemed fairly energetic, but wow, I've had some tough days.  I have come to admit that I'm a low capacity pregnant lady.  Mentally, emotionally, physically.  Keeping up with all things domestic, trying to be a good wife and mom, and wanting to be fruitful with how God leads me has been challenging more often than not.  The good part about this is how powerfully God has been able to reiterate my desperation for Him.  I have no choice but to acknowledge how completely incapable I am on my own....and to put in an order for a big helping of grace!  I struggle with even saying I've had tough days when we have precious families in our lives right now who are facing really, really major battles and are desperate for healing.  Perspective is incredibly powerful and humbling.

I was part of a prayer service for a friend I have mentioned before who is battling cancer, and for whom we are pleading with God for a miracle of healing.  That particular night of prayer was absolutely amazing.  We prayed and worshipped for more than two hours, calling on God for his divine power to be displayed in Jesus' name.  And we truly believe he hears us and is mighty to save.  I'm telling you, not much will bring you closer to the Lord, your maker, than to fall before him, acknowledge his truths and that you trust him, and bare your soul in asking for his divine favor.  I have been helping to facilitate a Bible Study at our church over the last 8 weeks, and have referred a number of times to how tough it can be to not see the big picture and understand the story as God does.  Yet at the same time, my confidence in approaching the throne of grace has grown immensely.  Because as I read his word and look deeper into the heart of God, I meet my heavenly Father, the King of kings, who wants to have an intimate relationship with me and tells me to call to him so he can share with me great and unsearchable things that I do not know.  So I am calling.

My motivation for writing this is that I simply cannot keep it in.  I haven't felt emotionally or physically up for putting my heart into words, but sometimes you get to that place where you just have to share what God is doing and teaching or you'll burst.  I'm there.  I'm 37 weeks pregnant, having braxton hicks and feeling pressure that seems like I could deliver this baby any second...and my bags aren't even packed.  I have made list after list and this past week I've worked on crafts for taking photos of our baby girl after she comes, some different sewing projects, thinking about a creative big sister outfit for Selah, and yesterday I made a cake.  Because it sounded good.  I'm just saying, my priorities are all out of wack.  I do have all the newborn baby clothes clean, the pack n play/bassinet thing up, and lists for Selah (sort of) made.  We have done some prep for labor, I did meet with the lactation consultant, and I take my prenatals.  Oh but I have more pictures to take, more memories to write down, a house to get out of a state of disarray, more sentimental moments to create and share with Selah, a post to write about her, a pregnancy update post to write about baby #2, more ways to beautify and savor the experience.  But if there's anything I've learned from being a mom, it's that life just keeps going, moment by moment, whether that moment is handled perfectly or not.  And I'm forced to surrender those moments to God and ask him to make something beautiful of my often frazzled, fragmented self.  And certainly I should be thankful to have all these "things" to consider and think about.

I've been reading the book "7: a Mutiny of Excess" by Jen Hatmaker, and that will definitely shake up your perspective quickly.  It certainly helps to remember that at this point in our pregnancy with Selah we hadn't even moved into our home yet and our second car had just broken down!  We were still living in a sweet family's basement and relied completely on the generosity of others.  And I reminded myself yesterday, (when I thought, "What if I go into labor right now?), that if that if I were to go into labor I'd call Kevin, we'd go to the hospital, and we'd have a baby.  Even if our mile long list wasn't near completion, and my home remained in a state of disarray.  (Admittedly tough to conquer and keep clean these days!) 

That said, perspective brings peace.  Things of this world bring chaos.  And really?  I just can't wait to peer into this little one's face and meet my new baby girl.  And oh how I am so looking forward to her daddy and sister Selah seeing her as well.  I just can't believe I'll have two babies in my arms to hold...it's already amazing to be filled up (literally) inside with one, and hold the other one, who has grown to cover me on the outside at the same time.  Overwhelming and good.

I'm 2cm dilated and 70% effaced, (as of last Friday), and I have another appt. on Monday.  This baby is so low I have moments of literally feeling like I have to hold her in there.  Selah has spent this last week getting some sort of unkind tooth, dealing with a sporadic fever and interrupted sleep.  She has been particularly clingy and sweet and sassy and smart.  I do look forward to having more energy for playing and bending over and dancing and moving faster.  I'm telling you....my belly is big.  Thankfully my little breech baby flipped a few weeks ago and relieved the crazy pain on my sciatic.  A blessing I am so grateful for!!  This little lady is such a mover and oh how I wish that was something you could bottle up for remembering later.  While it might bring relief, it's tough to adjust after delivery to an empty belly again, after having this little living love display her life in there.

So Zoe is on her way soon, and I'm in major prayer mode.  For a strong and healthy baby, for a safe and smooth process of getting her here.  Full term pregnancy, labor and delivery...major stuff, all kinds of emotions.  We're going to keep squeezing Selah and telling her how special she is, savoring our sweet days with only our firstborn...and prayerfully one day soon, bring home her baby sister, who will inevitably grow our hearts in ways we can't even comprehend.

Maybe this post will spark a writing streak these last few weeks...or days.   Maybe not.  Either way, I love you bloggy friends, and I look forward to connecting again one day soon!