While I Wait for a New Dance

Today I am 10 days overdue with my third child, our first little boy.  Wow.  Talk about plenty of time for reflection and seeking the Lord's purpose in something.  My dates of knowing when things happened were so accurate I thought the whole time this could be a due date baby.  Now that is laughable to me.  :)  I am so, so thankful that I have not missed these past 10 days though, knowing we will for sure meet this little guy on Thursday if he does not come before.  We have made sweet memories with the girls, the Lord has blessed me with maybe some of the best rest of my life, even at the end of pregnancy; he is giving me an experience or conversation every day that makes me glad I didn't miss it, and He has already taught me so much about trust, waiting, overcoming fear, casting out lies, seeking his wisdom, and surrendering to His perfect plan.  I feel like spiritually I've walked a hundred miles in 10 days.

I was also quite anxious leading up to the due date and a few days after, for some reason extra concerned about having all the little things ready.  I mean, I am not one who has a clean house very often, or who finds delight in busying myself with chores or to do lists. (unfortunately, maybe?) This is why I always have an extra appreciation for the crazy nesting energy that makes me more productive than usual.  I've been quite the busy bee in my prep and our house was clean for about 3 weeks.  The night before the due date I finally finished the baby quilt, which has been what I've told people was what I needed to have done to be ready. Ha.  Some people need to clean baseboards, apparently I need to finish my sewing. Now I've told my family that clean house reality might have past.  I mean, seriously.  We've done our "last grocery trip so the girls have food" about 4 times already - ha! I'm actually considering rewashing the baby clothes and the quilt.  Just to use up the last bit of nesting energy and get that fresh baby Dreft scent back. :)  By now the Lord has had plenty of time to strip away what I thought might be necessary for prep, and remind me of all that really matters.  (Meaning not the color of my hair :)

Yesterday was a super emotional day where I was driving to the hospital for yet another non stress test for baby boy, after actually canceling an induction yesterday morning as a result of much prayer and discussion with Kevin, because I didn't have peace about it, and didn't feel like my body was ready.  I was worshipping in the car and became overwhelmed with His reminder that this is his child we have prayed for and are praying so much for.  And it's a great and wonderful privilege that he would allow us the experience of carrying him, raising him, and loving him so mightily.  We are naming him a name that means mighty warrior, because I have prayed for this little one before I ever conceived that that's is exactly who he would be for God's kingdom.  My heartbeat and passion is to partner with Christ in building his kingdom and standing victorious against the enemy.  I pray we are a family who does that, though it is certainly no small task.

Sunday during worship I became overcome with having to surrender my fears...those that have attacked me in the overdue days, even when I want to just enjoy it.  Because he's just right here with me, and sometimes I think, oh let's just get him in my arms, whatever it takes!  And sometimes it comes to that...but I have been praying so hard for wisdom and so desperately wanting to follow the Lord's lead in this.  He filled me with peace and confirmation yesterday, and in the past several days has opened my eyes to this brand new experience he's leading me into.  I know the Lord's will for me is to not open my ears to the enemy's lies.  So I renounce that author of fear in Jesus' name.

I've been working on my labor music, which both times has been for me one of the most powerful parts of being in the Lord's presence while he brings a new life into the world.  I absolutely cannot get enough of "We Dance" by Steffany Gretzinger right now, from the You Make Me Brave album.  Oh my goodness, so beautiful and powerful, and the girls and I have listened and danced to it so many times this past week.  I realized a few days ago that I was surprised by all these overdue days and my lack of rapid dilation for a 3rd child because all I've been doing is comparing this pregnancy to the past ones.  I guess I have oddly expected to travel the same road, for it to go relatively the same, whether being induced or going naturally, because I've experienced both.  It's almost like God is prepping me that this child is a new creation, knit together in his own way, just like our other two.  I cannot plan for exactly how to raise this one, because God will have to lead me in that, just like with Selah and Zoe.

(Fun at a new park, including a long walk with my girls this morning)

All of a sudden, one day last week when I was really worshipping and reflecting during this song, God gave me the revelation that this is a new day, a new dance with him.  I need to lock eyes with Him and what He's doing, prepare to enter into this intense and painful and beautiful experience with my heart completely dependent on and desperate for Him.  He has intention in each different kind of dance he leads us in during our life times.  But he does lead, and when we trust, though in our own strength that is always easier said than done, we will follow.  So this is where I'm at.  Waiting, as most of us probably know to different degrees at different seasons in our lives, can be such a time of awakening from the Lord.  Because there's just nothing left but to seek him.  It has been funny at this point to have reminders of all those last handful of years of singleness when people started giving me all kinds of tips and ideas on how I could take into my own hands meeting this one and only man God had planned for me.  I'm getting to the point in this pregnancy where so many sweet people have offered all the ideas for bringing this little guy into the world.  I just made the connection today and was comforted at how I had nothing to do with meeting Kevin, but had every confidence that God ordained that on time and on purpose; and I am coming to confidence in Him to do the same now.  (Not to say I'm not thankful and willing to try some though! :)

We are so incredibly excited to meet this new little one whom I've had an extra 10 days to pray for and carry, while remaining in a place of desperately seeking the Lord for his sovereignty, His mighty hand to deliver, protect and save, His perfect timing, His carrying me through this often daunting though amazing process of bringing into the world another beautiful creation of his.  This is powerful to me you all.  And I'm determined not to miss it.  Our son's story has already had it's own unique start, and I can't wait to one day share it all with my little mighty warrior.

"Thank you Lord for the past 41 and a half weeks; thank you for the rest of the week as we meet our son and watch our girls witness your glory displayed, as we've promised them it would be; and for the years ahead where we pray you allow us the privilege and joy of raising these little ones you have blessed us with to know you and love you, to join you in the battle for your kingdom.  Thank you for the body of Christ who has surrounded us and lifted us up with prayer and encouragement.  They have blessed us in so many ways.  We need you, we ask for your angel armies to be sent to guard us, for your mighty hand to deliver and save.  Holy Spirit you are welcome here.  Thank you for Father for the invitation to this dance.  We will lock eyes with the One who's chosen us."

1 comment:

Rachel Eaton said...

Always love reading your posts and can't wait for him to arrive!!! Love you guys!