A Life Lately List

My cute and wonderful and growing and beautiful baby girl!!

Well, being a disciplined blogger is a skill that is majorly alluding me lately.  No really great excuses, just a whole lot to say and the lack of discipline to spend the time it takes to say it!  I'm also thinking a super fun baby girl is a pretty good reason.  I do get a good start on a post in my crazy mind nearly every single day, for what it's worth.  As a person who struggles with structure and routine even with a lot of sleep, getting it together with sporadic sleep is not easy.  So here goes nothing...

1. That birth story.  Whew.  Kinda long and crazy, huh?  So here are my abbreviated thoughts on the whole thing.  Would I change it?  Of course not, because it's our story and I love how God worked in it and loved us through it.  Do I wonder what would have happened if we would have just let them break my water right away?  Yes, but we'll never know and we don't regret it.  And the whole thing was an experience I'm so glad I had.  Will I try to go natural with future pregnancies?  I don't think I can say until I get there.  But I wouldn't give it a thought if I once again did not go into labor on my own.  Meaning I wouldn't be induced without an epidural.  Not ever again, thank you very much.  The contractions are too crazy.  I also wouldn't go natural for longer than 12ish hours, I don't think.  Too hungry, too tired, too pregnant.  Of course if the Lord is so good to bless us with future children we will pray and surrender how they come into this world as well.  By the way, thanks so much for reading it if you did, and thanks to you sweet ones who encouraged me with comments throughout and after!  Sorry to leave you hanging so many times! :)

2.  My precious girl.  Okay, seriously....this little baby bundle just gets more and more fun.  Every single day I'm amazed at a new development.  I was so scared to see those sweet first tiny days go....but every day brings even more joy from her than the day before.  Major changes in the last 4 weeks, as she's gotten so strong with her kicks, 'jumps,' grasping, and head control; so much more "squishy" and wonderful to kiss and squeeze, and even increasing her incredible ability to light up a room.  She gets so excited and her eyes are so bright.  And she just loves to hold on to something...a finger, a shirt, my hair, her elephant wubbanub.  I'm amazed at her ever growing communication of preferences, beyond basic needs. It's so wonderful to see her discover the world, look so curiously around, and enjoy longer stretches of reading, singing, and playing.  Her beautiful personality is just coming to life!  Our 3rd anniversary was November 16th, and she blessed us with the smallest, but greatest laugh!!!  We scared her half to death with our excited reaction, so that was the end of that.  It was so awesome to hear.  Wow.  It wasn't until Saturday that her giggly little self came out again...and in a big way!  I SO wish I had gotten a video.  I actually tried, but then the camera was just too distracting for her.  She actually laughed several times in a row as I made the craziest faces and blew on her belly, and I was beside myself.  I'm quite certain I've never heard a more lovely sound than the utter joy coming from my daughter as a response to a crazy, silly mom!

3.  Blog fans/fears.  Is it weird that the more people in my life tell me they read my blog, the more nervous I get to "let it all out there?"  I've been thinking about this lately, maybe because I've gone through some pretty major emotions and thoughts during this transitional stage of life.  If you read my blog you know I err on the side of transparency, mostly because that's just who I am.  I'm not good at faking it.  I always hope it's an encouragement to others when I'm honest and real with the good, bad, lovely, and ugly of life, but lately I've become all too aware of the vulnerability of it.  And in real, non-cyber world life that is something I honestly do struggle with.  I'm actually quite a private person when all is said and done, though my heart does tend to live on my sleeve.  And while I'm finding I'm more and more cautious of my words because of my potential readers, I also don't at all want to be non-existent or leave out reality.  I think I'm just the least interested in unsolicited judgment or criticism as I've ever been.  All that to say, I am so thankful for the encouragement and kindness, and that anyone would take the time to read what I write.  It means a lot.  While I tend to take the positive outlook approach to blogging, please know that there's all kinds of not so wonderful, "nitty gritty" I leave out all the time, for obvious reasons on a public blog.  Just know that no one's claiming to having it all together here!  I actually often feel like I struggle more than most.

4.  Treasures in Heaven.  My iphone died.  Like, recovery mode, only can restore, everything will be deleted forever died. (which is why, if you have been trying to text or call, I've been m.i.a!!!) It's for certain too, as even the geniuses at Apple confirmed it.  Though I still am holding out for the techno angel who can take it apart and make them reappear. ;)  Trust me, before you think it or say it, I've learned the difficult lesson of making sure to back up/update your phone.  Procrastinators never prosper.

Amazing how easy it is to put so much trust in a little piece of technology.  I haven't had a phone for 3 weeks because I've been sad and in denial about losing my first 2 months of iphone Selah pics (seriously hundreds) and the pics and video of my grandma teaching me to sew, among other photos.  (I told her we need to restage it:)  Of course I have a thousand other ones on my camera, but sentimental me treasures those intimate ones in the hospital and our first days at home that I took with my phone.  Okay, you should know...I'm pretty much a photo hoarder.  I struggle to delete.  Ha.

Even if in the big picture it's a minor thing, it has definitely thrown me into some serious reflecting, as many things that hurt me do that.  I've had to realize and surrender how tightly I hold to the small and big things of this world, especially when they're meaningful and wonderful.  But of course my memories of precious moments are not held in photos...they're held in my heart.  And joyfully we are making so many more that I can't capture them with pictures quickly enough.  I often struggle to let go of the past or believe life is moving so quickly.  I often so desperately want to hold on so tightly to the moment that it's hard to fully make it to the next.  Yet I'm constantly reminded that first of all, I don't want to remain back there and miss what's right now.  Secondly, this is only the beginning.  Eternity awaits.  All the physical and concrete that I've held precious here, in my desperate attempts to hold meaning and joy tangibly in my hands, will vanish like a vapor.  Nothing reminded me of this more than being at a Hillsong worship concert a couple weeks ago, and witnessing thousands of people, hands in the air, voices only, singing, "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who paid it all.  I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrender, all I have is yours."  Love, love that song. We sang the chorus over and over and it. was. AWESOME.  I closed my tear-filled eyes and imagined that very scene in Heaven, around the throne of the Lord, worshipping him without tiring.  Forever.  Sounds like losing everything in my phone wasn't entirely a bad thing after all.

5.  Post baby/new baby stuff.  12 weeks later, I'm honestly really tired.  Sweet girl had a great week last week, sleeping 8 hrs. the night before Thanksgiving, and 5 or 6 hours for a few nights after.  Now we're back to eating every 3, from start to start, almost around the clock.  I don't mind that part at all, it's just the struggling energy that comes with it.  Selah's awake times are much more full, fun, and frequent, which I love...though it increases my craving for a full night's sleep.  Oh well - I'm certainly still not going to wish these unique and wonderful days away.  And I'm hopeful we'll be turning a sleep corner soon.  But I do keep waiting for the motivation to clean my house, work out, and be productive, even with little energy.  I finally got a clue that the motivation is not going to just show up.  It's simply going to have to be a choice.  Speaking of working out, the weight thing is hard.  I've literally been every size at some point in my life, so this path is familiar to me...though post pregnancy is new.  I laugh my head off at anyone who has said that with breastfeeding it will "fall right off."  Not the case with my body, I'll tell you that much.  I also try to pay no mind to those who "slip" into their old pants shortly after giving birth.  Also not the case for me.  I've always had to work like crazy for every little pound I've ever wanted to lose, and this will be no different I'm certain.  I desperately don't want to be vain, but struggling with squishy volume in places I've never had it before in addition to where I always have can be a bit discouraging...but only when I have to wear something other than yoga pants.  Ha ha ha.  And when I'm around skinny people.  Just kidding.  But if you've ever looked at a mom and judged her for her weight, repent.  I'm just saying, that post-pregnancy muffin thing is for real.  It's totally goal time for me.  Mini-marathon maybe?  (sounds exhausting-ha)

One thing's for sure, leggings and dresses have changed my life!  I'm determined to get healthy without getting crazy.  Because I can do crazy workout, super strict diet girl...it's just exhausting and I haven't done it for a long time.  Obviously too long. Ha.  Twenty-somethings without super wonderful metabolisms, listen carefully...just keep moving.  When I get my groove back, (whatever that is), you can be sure I will try to keep it.

(update: between writing this post and now posting it, someone actually asked me if I was pregnant again!  In my beloved dress and leggings!  Good news - I considered the source and therefore cared much less.  Other good news - I didn't cry.  Ha ha.  But still I mean, seriously?  I have a 3 month old in my arms!  So f.y.i. - no, I'm not)

6. Speaking of motivation...the nurseryI was seriously on the roll of a lifetime that first month of Selah's life.  I was so close.  Now I'm thinking of hiring the finishing touches out.  Though the job wouldn't pay.  ;)  Does anyone else find it easier to get more done when the sun is out??  Maybe I'll post the unconventional work-in-progress post and take your opinions on how to complete it.  Now that would be helpful!! (Easier to filter advice and ideas online rather than in person, you know?)

That's about it for now.  I could go on and on, but then I would never post what I've written...again.  I do love that it's Christmas time, and that you all are posting the merriest of Christmas-time things.  I am in awe of the beautiful decorating that goes on in your all's homes.  Wow.  Such beautiful style so many of you (online and in my real life) have to share with the rest of us.  So thank you!

*Coming soon: first cloth diaper post (it's finished!), 3 month Selah stats, Christmasy happenings here*


Venessa said...

HI Friend! I love this post. You are still as open and genuine as you can be! I have decided(with persuasion from the hubby) to get rid of my blackberry when my contract ends. One, I am way too attached to it and 2 it will save lots of money now that I am mostly home. But I too have tons of pics on my phone so I am going to have to start learning how to use the camera! Maybe I can upgrade my camera as a trade off:).
Our babe goes through different sleep cycles too. I often wonder if we will ever get straight sleep again! Its a fun crazy journey huh?
I hope you are having a blast being a mommy. oh and you are not the only one who feels that they are struggling...it happens often around here too. But look at her sweet face...you are doing A TON right momma! Have a wonderful day with your sweet girl!

Melanie said...

You crack me up Page!!! So funny..Makayla has the SAME leggings and the same onesie (from the first pic) that your sweet baby girl has!!! Great minds! I know what you mean about the weight..breastfeeding did help me..but I've always been a 'big' girl! :-/ But..thankfully I now can fit into 'most' of my pre-pregnancy pants..it comes in time! And yes..those muffin tops are for real!!! :-P I look at it as my proud momma scar..if you will!

Elizabeth said...

Page, I totally relate to the whole losing weight thing during breastfeeding and after. Didn't work for me either! I've always "weighed more" than most and the only time I ever really lost a significant amount of weight was when I decided to run a 1/2 marathon. (lost 40 lbs). But what discipline and time that took! I can't imagine doing it now. Not sure what I'm going to do after #2 gets here, but I'm gonna have to have a plan or this weight is gonna linger for a LONG time. If you come up with something, make sure you share! Love reading your thoughts! :)

Emilee said...

You are so wonderful Page! I love hearing your heart and hearing about sweet Selah girl. I was thinking about you today before I saw that you had posted about what a beautiful example you are of a woman on fire for the Lord who loves life and the people in it. Keep shining, Page. Thanks for being you!

Mary Ellen Ash said...

Page, Selah is soooo pretty! I love all the pics! I enjoyed reading your birth story as well...not that the whole experience was "enjoyable" (ouch!), but it was interesting to hear what you went through. I keep checking in on you! Glad you're doing great with that sweet baby girl.

donna d said...

So fun to read your post! Selah is beautiful! No matter how or by what method you give birth, it's your story and it's special! Made me reflect on my 2 labor and deliveries. We never did the Disney Half Marathon. . .maybe we should sign up!

Thankfully Thrifty said...

Ah friend! I relate! I had people ask me if I was pregnant too! Ignorance - annoying, rude, hurtful. All of the above. Now I've learned to just not ask. Unless a woman is about to burst, just don't ask.
I'm sorry you were asked that. I feel for you. It took me a full nine months to lose the weight. Hang in there!!

Molly said...

I just finished all of your birth story! Amazing. What a beautiful story that you will share with sweet Selah someday!!! (BTW: our birth stories are strangely similar).
Also, no worries about the weight...it'll come off.
You're beautiful!!!!