On Motherhood

My grandma lovingly made this beautiful cross-stitch for my mom many years ago...and now it has been passed on to me.  It so wonderfully sums up my heart and my days with my special sweet baby Selah.  Becoming a mom has been an overwhelmingly joyful experience...having waited so many years for this dream to come true makes it all the more sweeter.  Even as I'm writing this I think of all the things I've wanted to put in a post lately, but now it's difficult to put into words.  I have spent the last three weeks snuggling and soaking up all the squishy, squeaky wonderfulness that is my daughter.  That first week at home was crazy...recovering from giving birth, learning how to feed this tiny person, trying to remember to eat, exhausted from such little sleep, the adrenaline of being overwhelmed with gratitude for this gift.  Seriously, my excitement over having our sweet little baby home felt much like the week after I found out I was pregnant...I was so excited and thankful I couldn't sleep.  That's how it was when we first came home.  Kevin would tell me to go lay down for a bit and I would just lay there saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," over and over to God.  Then I'd get up to go hold my precious baby. :) 

 Dance time with Daddy :)

The second week was filled with a couple dr. appts, a couple sessions with the lactation consultant, and a whole lot of feeding...trying to put some weight on my little one.  If I read your blog and you breastfeed, I might just be emailing you soon.  I am determined to persevere and I so enjoy it...I really am hoping to feed her that way for a long time...it's just thrown me quite a learning curve with some unpredictable scenarios.  Definitely a full time job - but the best kind in my opinion!  I've had a bit of a struggle with milk supply more than anything, so any feedback or encouragement from any of you who have been down this road and got it to work for you eventually would be much appreciated! :)  (Though I think I'm trying every trick in the book!)  Now we're at the end of our third week together, getting into somewhat of a rhythm, and being fully initiated into motherhood with some projectile poo the other day.  :)  That's what mommy gets for changing that diaper a moment too soon!

I don't believe you can spoil a newborn baby...I do believe in loving abundantly and holding a lot and savoring such a special, short lived time.  I even prayed that God would allow me to have long days filled with memories and special moments with her these first weeks - because I know all too well, even without fully experiencing it yet, that she will be so different in such a short time.  Even when she's sleeping I reach over and lightly feel her tummy to make sure she's breathing...what seems like a million times a day and night.  I just so love this fragile, beautiful and delicate little life and I don't want to miss a second.  I read several blogs of new moms and wonder how in the world you all now have 7 month old babies!!??  I feel like I was just the one waiting on all their arrivals!

Selah makes the best facial expressions - in her sleep, when she's waking up, and recently when she's awake.  We have seen her smile in her sleep so many times - and it is precious.  Today she was sleeping in my arms and I was on the phone with a friend...when I laughed she made the sweetest giggly face - it was awesome.  She is quite curious, yet so peaceful at the same time.  Even when she was born she had her eyes wide open when they laid her on my chest.  Checking me out and quietly looking for love from the beginning.  She especially gets a kick out of her daddy when he reads to her and talks to her on his lap after work.  She is an amazing sleeper - (which of course caused us a little freaking out at first!:), and only seems to scream when she's hungry...which is why we're definitely thankful we figured out early on that she wasn't quite getting enough to eat with just what I was able to give her.  I am praying hard that won't always be the case.  She loves being swaddled, she enjoys car rides and walks in the stroller, and she loves being held close and rocked.  When her tummy hurts she prefers daddy's special football hold.

I love everything about this little girl...and I'm still getting to know her.  It is quite amazing how quickly it's hard to remember life without her.  Pregnancy feels like a million years ago.  Can you believe all that time I had a little girl growing inside me??  I certainly didn't know or was never really honest about how much I have always wanted a daughter...until I had one.  We adore having a little girl...and since it's still pretty new to me I have moments of seeing something cute or girly and getting excited about the fact that I'm part of that world now too!!  About pregnancy...I did love it so much...I felt so good with my baby belly all the way to the very end.  That has definitely been confirmed now that I'm left with my post baby body...funny how it doesn't matter if you lose 18 lbs in the week or two after giving birth - what remains certainly begs for some serious work, and the leftover pounds hang on for dear life! :)  Now that I can see my thighs again I'm reminded of them too.  Ha.  Totally worth it of course.  And the several stretch marks I didn't get until the last few weeks but that will be with me forever will always be a beautiful reminder of the special season God was knitting Selah together.  That was an amazing time...and life with sweet Selah in my arms is even more so. 

New baby days are not all daisies and roses, don't get me wrong.  (And I'd be happy to talk in more detail about those dandelions if you'd like to email me and chat about it. :)  Today is actually the first day I have my mind and thoughts together as much as I do!  I certainly have had my fair share of irritability and emotional breakdowns.  (Kevin has learned quickly not to say much when I'm pumping.  Ha.)  And I've quickly grown a mother's heart as I'm often overcome with an overwhelming desire to make every right decision for my daughter.  This is truly a new season and time to live in and offer grace.  All that said, I do choose to focus more on the daisies than the dandelions.  Because when God does an amazing work like creating new life, it is too powerful and priceless to miss.  For me, it's years and years of dreaming and praying coming true.  Ironically, just like I said in my last post before I had my sweet girl, this is a time to "savor and be still."  And to once again give God the glory for what He has done.

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."  Psalm 127:3 NASB

I will share soon about her name and her crazy amazing birth story...I just had to get my heart out before too many days go by!


Nicole said...

Page, you truly bless me so much. I feel so blessed that I have the opportunity to learn so much from you. You have taught me so much about having a relationship with Christ and I know that I will learn so much about marriage and motherhood through you!!! My heart is so happy for you!

Jenn's Blog said...

Amen to motherhood being hard and the most amazing blessing ever :) Keep up the good work girl, I know you can do it!!

C said...
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Melanie said...

Love reading this post! I'm still breastfeeding Makayla and she's 4 months and a week old now..we went thru some struggles in the beginning as well but are doing good now!! I hope to continue as long as I can (9-12 months would be great!)..its a blessing that God gives us what we need to feed our children. Email me anytime if you need advice or just want to talk about it!!

Venessa said...

Just beautiful! I am so happy for you!

Elizabeth said...

I love how you wrote to savor and be still. I think there is something special about having a baby after many, many years of yearning to have one. I was 33 when I had Adeline. I always thought I'd start having kids in my twenties, but God had another perfect plan for me. It was worth the wait.
I can say to you that I, even now at 2 1/2, I wake up excited to see and hold my little girl. I hope to savor every moment God gives me with her.

Oh, and little girls are so special. ;)